KatzyKins Cries

Ughhh, I hate the holidays. Everything feels weird and surreal...I swear I'm jogging down the hall to the garage and I step through a portal that reminds time and I'm 16 year old again... ...but it's not the same. My mom isn't there, the dogs aren't there. I'm not actually a 16 year old. For a brief second, it feels like a second chance to heal my trauma. To advocate for myself like I never could before... It feels....positive.  But my childhood wasn't good. All the best parts happened while everyone slept. No expectations, no judgemet.  That's why I was tired all the time back then... It really just feels like that comfortable chaos I grew up in The one I ignored until I was 27 and realized I was actually a piece of shit with no heart it was good because I couldn't tell it was bad Consciously I know this but subconsciously, my brain is idealizing it...missing it. It's vile.  Driving past all the old businesses ans realizing I'm where I shoul...

Had a dream sitting up where I was stepping off a cliff. I looked down, and it scared me awake... I wonder what that means....

Had another weird dream last night... I was prepping for a move back to my first apartment... And at the same time, my best friend Robin--whom I've never lived with--was dealing with some psychic metamorphosis. I was in the middle of a huge move AND i had to keep my friend safe from her own mind, shit was weird. And my mother and other friend Larry was helping me mostly with this move--which is weird because she wasn't in a space to concentrate during my waking-world move... But no sign of Taf...I dont think I even knew Taf in this dream...no sign of my ACTUAL first roomie either...my other best friend. And suddenly I was walking home to my old house, through the neighborhood I haven't lived in since i was between 9 and 22...and, and it was just dark blue....foggy--snow on the ground. Thick snow. But the weird part were all these bright red lanterns were hanging on the trees--i remember it being the most haunting scene...I was completely alone...but I wasn't afraid, I j...

Hahahahaha  When you're on the verge of a split with your partner of 6 fucking years because he's an ungrateful piece of shit, your job is shouldering EVERYTHING on you--and you're about to have an Autism/BPD combo meltdown. I am going FUCKING kill myself.  Living is too hard~I wanna go back into the FUCKING abyss so fucking bad. GET ME OUT OF HERREEEE

A Dying Bitch,  I'm left to rot,  prickled, lame,  No second thought.  Twisted wrist,  Clutching tight,  Those empty hands,  Their knuckles white.  Their feathers fall,  The children scream,  abruptly roused,  From a terrible dream.  Reality's cage,  The nightmare ends,  A heavy goodbye  to their dear friends Blood on stone,  The rocks in skin,  Sacrificing their own kin. 

So I don't think I'm meant to be with anyone. Having a partner isn't working and I really think I need to be alone now... He doesn't listen to me no matter how many times I explain. And even though leaving is going to be SUPER complicated (we bought a lot of wedding shit, and neither of us can keep all our cats alone) I can't just stay with someone when it isn't working because it's "easier" This was the closest I'd ever gotten to being married and I don't think I'll ever do this again... Its too much to be berated everytime I really can't do something--I can't even vent about not wanting to without starting a fight... I'm honest when I'm burning out...I know myself well in my limitations....Taf not so much...he pushes through until he can't handle anyone else needing a break. I explain and explain but he never hears me...he never let's me finish speaking and I'm just tired... I proposed that I move out for a...