3.27.25

Tw: suicide, drugs, mental health....

I feel like I need to be put on antipsychotics.

After some research, I've scheduled a pysch visit.

I didn't even recognize it as a problem because I'm not hearing strange voices; it's just my own. I'M insulting myself. So I thought it was regular ol' BPD shit.

I also thought the wild aggression issues were BPD. It isn't normal to hear a tiny criticism and jump directly to 'oh god I suck, I'm awful and should kill myself'

I was insistant that this was just build up from all the times I was made to feel like shit before but...what if it's not?

 

I'm not a danger to others. Myself maybe? But not others. But I *feel* dangerous? Like if I don't get help now, things could keep escalating and one day, I'll go full dahmer or some shit...I hope I'm sensible enough to take myself out if it gets that bad before someone else gets hurt.

But when I get into a fury, I've never laid a hand on anyone, just beaten boxes til my knuckles bleed. Or some other inanimate shit.

My friend mentioned that autistic burn out can cause psychosis too so I'm leaning more towards it. I'd say I've been like this for a WHILE. Like last Christmas eve...

Severe Aggression.

Going 0 to 100 fast and over nothing.

Hearing a voice (even if it's my own) insulting at me over the smallest fuck up. And telling me 'untrue' things (I will argue that they 100% fact)

My appointment is on 4/14...

...Gods help me...

.....and if any butthurt ex friends are on here revelling in this post, don't get it twisted;

No matter how fucked things get, or how crazy I am; I'm still self aware enough to try and fix it.

And I'm still me; and I'll always be. So I stay winning even if I'm struggling. Even at my worst, even when i can't see a single good thing about myself--at least I'm not you :) 💕🌈✨️