KatzyKins Cries

 So, I really don't have time to grieve.  But I can't stop doing it.  We're trying to sell our house, so Taf hurried and we moved our cats to the temporary spot where we plan to move after.  ...Taf's aunt tried to protect me from it...She said to leave me out of it all. But Taf asked for help getting the cats over. Which I did and I wasn't myself the whole time.      And I think I'll have to be someone else for a while. I don't know if I'll ever really heal from any of this. This is probably the second most devastating loss.  Gods I hope I die before Taf...I won't be able to survive without him.  And I'm sorry, I know it's selfish, but I really am nothing without that man.  And I think most men are fundamentally useless, so that's saying something.  I just want to sit in a bed and rot until I feel semi-human again.  And the world won't fucking stop. Not for my mom and sure as hell not for me.  The world was never patient w...

 Today, my mother died.   We deserved so much better than this.  We deserved better than several drugs in my bloodstream,                Deserved better than 6 out of 7 cats hanging around me, worried because I won't stop crying.      I can't tell if I prefer the numbness to the crying fits, they're both equally unpleasant.  I hate crying, I hate this empty forlorn feeling I carry. I just want to walk into oblivion with her, greet the other side and see my mom restored to the shape she used to be in.      Her mind in tact, looking like I remember her...     I don't want to be alive without her.     I don't know if I'll end up dying to be with her. I feel like I'll never get better. I'll never *feel* better. About any of this. We were robbed of closure.      I could hardly get through to her by the end of the line. I wasn't making sense to her. I lov...

So my grandmother passed away on August 7th 2023, she was 82. I don't talk about my feelings with my friends.  But you'd think a DAY after the wake, the people closest to me would be more gentle with me. But I still couldn't seem to avoid pissing people off today...  I get that this will probably veiwed as petty but there's a limit, and this is a diary for me, so let it go for a fucking second.  My grandmother was the first to be hype on my stepdad's side. My step dad treated me like a cockblock, when I was a kid, and then in my teens; a slut and trouble maker (I literally drank ONE beer underage just to say I had. I didnt even touch a fucking dick until I was 18. Made my "sexual debut" a week before I turned 22. Didn't smoke pot til 19 and cigarettes at 28) I was a much better kid than he or my mother deserved. Their parenting wasn't shit and I always felt like the biggest handful growing for just being autistic. No one bothered to get me diagnose...