KatzyKins Cries

It's my mom's birthday. I, of course have many feelings, though i think I've settled on 'dread' being the main one. I don't think anyone will mourn me when I die. Logically, that's probably not true. I never used to feel this concerned about it back when Robin was still around. I considered her a real friend... Her and of course Cindy. I know Cindy will mourn and I have enough sense to know that it wouldn't be 'for show' like with family...I feel like my family will only mourn because they 'have' to.  I don't know. I never worried about mattering to anyone before Robin. But she showed me that even your closest might not mean what they say... How can I be sure anyone really cares about me anymore if even her love was a lie?  I think I'm going to miss Robin forever too... I think there's been a lot of 'deaths' in my life. And I'm getting real sick of hard goodbyes... Honestly, I wish I could die now just to see how f...

So my grandmother passed away on August 7th 2023, she was 82. I don't talk about my feelings with my friends.  But you'd think a DAY after the wake, the people closest to me would be more gentle with me. But I still couldn't seem to avoid pissing people off today...  I get that this will probably veiwed as petty but there's a limit, and this is a diary for me, so let it go for a fucking second.  My grandmother was the first to be hype on my stepdad's side. My step dad treated me like a cockblock, when I was a kid, and then in my teens; a slut and trouble maker (I literally drank ONE beer underage just to say I had. I didnt even touch a fucking dick until I was 18. Made my "sexual debut" a week before I turned 22. Didn't smoke pot til 19 and cigarettes at 28) I was a much better kid than he or my mother deserved. Their parenting wasn't shit and I always felt like the biggest handful growing for just being autistic. No one bothered to get me diagnose...