11.29.24

Ughhh, I hate the holidays.

Everything feels weird and surreal...I swear I'm jogging down the hall to the garage and I step through a portal that reminds time and I'm 16 year old again...

...but it's not the same. My mom isn't there, the dogs aren't there. I'm not actually a 16 year old.

For a brief second, it feels like a second chance to heal my trauma. To advocate for myself like I never could before...

It feels....positive. 

But my childhood wasn't good. All the best parts happened while everyone slept. No expectations, no judgemet. 

That's why I was tired all the time back then...
It really just feels like that comfortable chaos I grew up in

The one I ignored until I was 27 and realized I was actually a piece of shit with no heart it was good because I couldn't tell it was bad

Consciously I know this but subconsciously, my brain is idealizing it...missing it.

It's vile. 
Driving past all the old businesses ans realizing I'm where I should be...that my childhood town just wasn't good enough. It low-class

And I was SO positive that I fit right in. I still know how to speak fluent (my town)

I wonder if people could tell I'm not local anymore and haven't been for almost 10 years...

I'm nostalgic for the very place I was ireevocably broken in...

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