I'm just not gonna tell anyone the truth anymore. Every single person who claims they want honesty from a friend is a fat fucking liar. I've yet to meet a single person who truly appreciates honesty from anyone. I'm just supposed to shut up and let my friends ruin their lives. Okay fine. I'm not saying this shit for my health. Your the one who's throwing your life away on a grown ass toddler. And if he fucks up and doesn't toe the line with me, you'll be hearing about the next time he does something shitty or stupid. I can't wait for all this to end in another divorce. Because apparently you'd rather go through another legal process than just admit you rushed this shit with a dude who never seems to make any fucking progress with anything. I never hear anything good about this schlub and you wanna MARRY him? Okay. Braindead idiot ass. And that's on God what I wanted to fire back with when you shut me down on everything. Have fun with the clu...
Ughhh, I hate the holidays. Everything feels weird and surreal...I swear I'm jogging down the hall to the garage and I step through a portal that reminds time and I'm 16 year old again... ...but it's not the same. My mom isn't there, the dogs aren't there. I'm not actually a 16 year old. For a brief second, it feels like a second chance to heal my trauma. To advocate for myself like I never could before... It feels....positive. But my childhood wasn't good. All the best parts happened while everyone slept. No expectations, no judgemet. That's why I was tired all the time back then... It really just feels like that comfortable chaos I grew up in The one I ignored until I was 27 and realized I was actually a piece of shit with no heart it was good because I couldn't tell it was bad Consciously I know this but subconsciously, my brain is idealizing it...missing it. It's vile. Driving past all the old businesses ans realizing I'm where I shoul...
https://youtu.be/LlN8MPS7KQs I didn't think the holidays could hurt anymore than they already do but.. I've been listening to this song on loop, and it's exhausting to hear it because I'm flooded with all the vague memories my trauma tried to rob me of, all at once. I think about that isolating feeling of being single after a long relationship, or the feeling of not being able to find my mom. The feeling of waking up at 3am, to a quiet, empty apartment and overlooking the city skyline from your bed. Just...alone, reflecting. Its the feeling of my own heart breaking on repeat... And It breaks all over again, with each passing memory. And even though it hurts to hear, it's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever listened to. The melody is so simple but the feelings it elicits makes it so powerful... I really have grown to fetishize and romanticize my own pain, the way I can't shut this off. I love Yule; the season is so romantic and it's tied to so man...
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