So I don't think I'm meant to be with anyone. Having a partner isn't working and I really think I need to be alone now... He doesn't listen to me no matter how many times I explain. And even though leaving is going to be SUPER complicated (we bought a lot of wedding shit, and neither of us can keep all our cats alone) I can't just stay with someone when it isn't working because it's "easier" This was the closest I'd ever gotten to being married and I don't think I'll ever do this again... Its too much to be berated everytime I really can't do something--I can't even vent about not wanting to without starting a fight... I'm honest when I'm burning out...I know myself well in my limitations....Taf not so much...he pushes through until he can't handle anyone else needing a break. I explain and explain but he never hears me...he never let's me finish speaking and I'm just tired... I proposed that I move out for a...
Blaaaaaze it~ It's 4/20 I had to. Anyway, I started my antipsychotics about 5 or 6 days ago and it's been...bliss. My inner monologue has completely shut up <3 I still hear my deities and now they're so clear because it's QUIET in my brain. I don't become so devastated over any old crit anymore, and I don't get super angry during fights. I experienced a few side effects at first but most are completely gone And I'm so fucking happy <3 I can heal and be normal <3 I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and I'm super hype to tell her! <3 Thanks for reading, friends <3
Tw: suicide, drugs, mental health.... I feel like I need to be put on antipsychotics. After some research, I've scheduled a pysch visit. I didn't even recognize it as a problem because I'm not hearing strange voices; it's just my own. I'M insulting myself. So I thought it was regular ol' BPD shit. I also thought the wild aggression issues were BPD. It isn't normal to hear a tiny criticism and jump directly to 'oh god I suck, I'm awful and should kill myself' I was insistant that this was just build up from all the times I was made to feel like shit before but...what if it's not? I'm not a danger to others. Myself maybe? But not others. But I *feel* dangerous? Like if I don't get help now, things could keep escalating and one day, I'll go full dahmer or some shit...I hope I'm sensible enough to take myself out if it gets that bad before someone else gets hurt. But when I get into a fury, I've never laid a hand on anyone, ...
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