So I don't think I'm meant to be with anyone. Having a partner isn't working and I really think I need to be alone now... He doesn't listen to me no matter how many times I explain. And even though leaving is going to be SUPER complicated (we bought a lot of wedding shit, and neither of us can keep all our cats alone) I can't just stay with someone when it isn't working because it's "easier" This was the closest I'd ever gotten to being married and I don't think I'll ever do this again... Its too much to be berated everytime I really can't do something--I can't even vent about not wanting to without starting a fight... I'm honest when I'm burning out...I know myself well in my limitations....Taf not so much...he pushes through until he can't handle anyone else needing a break. I explain and explain but he never hears me...he never let's me finish speaking and I'm just tired... I proposed that I move out for a...
Blaaaaaze it~ It's 4/20 I had to. Anyway, I started my antipsychotics about 5 or 6 days ago and it's been...bliss. My inner monologue has completely shut up <3 I still hear my deities and now they're so clear because it's QUIET in my brain. I don't become so devastated over any old crit anymore, and I don't get super angry during fights. I experienced a few side effects at first but most are completely gone And I'm so fucking happy <3 I can heal and be normal <3 I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and I'm super hype to tell her! <3 Thanks for reading, friends <3
Ughhh, I hate the holidays. Everything feels weird and surreal...I swear I'm jogging down the hall to the garage and I step through a portal that reminds time and I'm 16 year old again... ...but it's not the same. My mom isn't there, the dogs aren't there. I'm not actually a 16 year old. For a brief second, it feels like a second chance to heal my trauma. To advocate for myself like I never could before... It feels....positive. But my childhood wasn't good. All the best parts happened while everyone slept. No expectations, no judgemet. That's why I was tired all the time back then... It really just feels like that comfortable chaos I grew up in The one I ignored until I was 27 and realized I was actually a piece of shit with no heart it was good because I couldn't tell it was bad Consciously I know this but subconsciously, my brain is idealizing it...missing it. It's vile. Driving past all the old businesses ans realizing I'm where I shoul...
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