Ughhh, I hate the holidays. Everything feels weird and surreal...I swear I'm jogging down the hall to the garage and I step through a portal that reminds time and I'm 16 year old again... ...but it's not the same. My mom isn't there, the dogs aren't there. I'm not actually a 16 year old. For a brief second, it feels like a second chance to heal my trauma. To advocate for myself like I never could before... It feels....positive. But my childhood wasn't good. All the best parts happened while everyone slept. No expectations, no judgemet. That's why I was tired all the time back then... It really just feels like that comfortable chaos I grew up in The one I ignored until I was 27 and realized I was actually a piece of shit with no heart it was good because I couldn't tell it was bad Consciously I know this but subconsciously, my brain is idealizing it...missing it. It's vile. Driving past all the old businesses ans realizing I'm where I shoul...
https://youtu.be/LlN8MPS7KQs I didn't think the holidays could hurt anymore than they already do but.. I've been listening to this song on loop, and it's exhausting to hear it because I'm flooded with all the vague memories my trauma tried to rob me of, all at once. I think about that isolating feeling of being single after a long relationship, or the feeling of not being able to find my mom. The feeling of waking up at 3am, to a quiet, empty apartment and overlooking the city skyline from your bed. Just...alone, reflecting. Its the feeling of my own heart breaking on repeat... And It breaks all over again, with each passing memory. And even though it hurts to hear, it's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever listened to. The melody is so simple but the feelings it elicits makes it so powerful... I really have grown to fetishize and romanticize my own pain, the way I can't shut this off. I love Yule; the season is so romantic and it's tied to so man...
So--first blog entry, and it's going to be a doozy... I've come to the conclusion that all my current happiness is because of my partner. If he hadn't shown up when he did, I'd be living in Eerie 4 hours away from anyone I care about, and rotting in yet another crackden shitshow my mother deigns to live in with her shithead bf. You want "terabytes of data'sworth" of me talking shit, cretin? Here you fucking go. If your shitbag narc of a daughter wants, I'll fucking email her the link myself. Idgaf anymore. So when I look back on all the shitty ex friends I've had who stopped being my friends because I was with a mouthy vegan guy, Fuck ALL of you. You did not give a shit about me if you wanted me to leave him. You knew nothing of my financial and health issues, no matter HOW often I talked about them and if you had, and STILL wanted me to just go and live in a fucking crackden and had no inter...
Comments
Post a Comment