KatzyKins Cries

Left work early yesterday because I couldn't stop thinking of mom. I'm almost not scared to be fired, I think I need a break from employment...get my head together...idk. Everything is heavy all the time now. I don't think anyone reads these so no one really comprehends the metric fucktons of pushing it takes to make myself do anything at all. It all feels pointless now. Everything says good things are coming but fucking when?  The waiting is taking forever and I'm trying to be patient but I need a reason not to kill myself NOW.  I'm hanging by a mother fucking thread. My psyche just charged me 500 bucks for nothing. And I don't see any light in sight...its just getting darker...

Everyone always says "you can talk to me if you want."  But like...the problem is I don't know where to begin.  There's a lot of things I can't put words to and some things are too vulnerable to express outloud.  Even after I already said I died with her. Even after I already said I wanted to die too. Expressing things doesn't make me feel any better. I'm stuck in a stupid bubble just me and all my dumbass feelings. And none of it will ever bring her back... This is the first Halloween since she's died. And it was her favorite holiday so I'm hoping she visits... I'll always miss her....I'll stay feeling this lost and shitty forever.

When do I run out of pain to name? When do I stop harping on this? Her death literally ruined me. It buried me in so deep, that I can't find the bitch I used to be... I don't know who I am anymore. I don't get dressed up, I don't go out. I don't do anything anymore. And I need it fixed now but I'm also not ready to be better.... But it would be nice if I had an idea of how long I'd have to sit here and just...miss her. That's all I do now. I sit, stoned and I miss her. I replay childhood in my brain on repeat. I just don't want to do anything but see her again... And I'm living til 93 according to my deities, this shit is just cruelty....

So on top of mom dying, I'm losing my house. Not to foreclosure or anything nefarious, but we were forced to sell it because we want our lives to go in a different direction. Smaller house one day, 6 cats, making money from our rental properties while we coast affordably.  So for now we have to live with his mom in her two bedroom apartment. We somehow got all our furniture to fit. But some stuff will be stored at his aunts place. There's some feelings of failure associated with this move...even though I know it'll pay off in the end, I'm still afraid that we're gonna end up stuck there. I feel bad I couldn't keep the dream going in a house I was obsessed with.  It was too expensive. We wanted to retire one day. Hekate assures me this isn't meant to be a punishment, but it feels like one. Signs all pointed that we belonged in that house but we didn't consider how expensive upkeep would be. And we are having a bitch of a time selling it. I'm trapped i...

Got a tarot reading apparently someone is thinking about trying to come back into my life. Chances are they'll see this;  Don't. I handled the hardest losses of my life without you; I don't need people I can't trust.  My mom and grandmother are dead. What support could you offer now? Lazy. Pitiful. I don't need you anymore. Even if I miss you; it doesn't matter, I can't trust you anymore. How do I know you're working on yourself? How do I know anything has changed? I don't. You can't appease the parts of me that needed those answers years ago. Do us both a favor and try to figure your life out without me in it. That's how it stays.  Meanwhile, I'm in a funk; makes sense. But it's annoying. I wanna be back to throwing ass in clubs. But I'm currently trying to move into a small apartment with my fiance and mother in law which is actually super preferable to the money pit we purchased.  I just hope we can sell that bitch and have mon...

 So, I really don't have time to grieve.  But I can't stop doing it.  We're trying to sell our house, so Taf hurried and we moved our cats to the temporary spot where we plan to move after.  ...Taf's aunt tried to protect me from it...She said to leave me out of it all. But Taf asked for help getting the cats over. Which I did and I wasn't myself the whole time.      And I think I'll have to be someone else for a while. I don't know if I'll ever really heal from any of this. This is probably the second most devastating loss.  Gods I hope I die before Taf...I won't be able to survive without him.  And I'm sorry, I know it's selfish, but I really am nothing without that man.  And I think most men are fundamentally useless, so that's saying something.  I just want to sit in a bed and rot until I feel semi-human again.  And the world won't fucking stop. Not for my mom and sure as hell not for me.  The world was never patient w...

 Today, my mother died.   We deserved so much better than this.  We deserved better than several drugs in my bloodstream,                Deserved better than 6 out of 7 cats hanging around me, worried because I won't stop crying.      I can't tell if I prefer the numbness to the crying fits, they're both equally unpleasant.  I hate crying, I hate this empty forlorn feeling I carry. I just want to walk into oblivion with her, greet the other side and see my mom restored to the shape she used to be in.      Her mind in tact, looking like I remember her...     I don't want to be alive without her.     I don't know if I'll end up dying to be with her. I feel like I'll never get better. I'll never *feel* better. About any of this. We were robbed of closure.      I could hardly get through to her by the end of the line. I wasn't making sense to her. I lov...

Learned my mother is in hospice now. She's retaining fluids and i think her kidneys are shutting down. I love my mom, I didn't get the time I needed with her my whole life and none of this is fair. But on the other hand, I know she's never gonna be 100% like she used to be, she's been struggling with MS since I was 3...and I know it's time to let her go. She's in pain every day and it's only going down hill from here.  But all I ask from the universe is the chance to see her again, coherent and able to try the stuff shells I make. I want her opinion on it, and to show her I'll be okay. I've grown up; I'm getting stronger every day with my spirit team, and they take care of me now. She can rest, she can go home; be with her dad and mom again.  I'll see her when it's my time; I know I will. And then no one will be able to come between us again. :( I'll have the time I should've had with her.  It's the wait that's crushing......

So my grandmother passed away on August 7th 2023, she was 82. I don't talk about my feelings with my friends.  But you'd think a DAY after the wake, the people closest to me would be more gentle with me. But I still couldn't seem to avoid pissing people off today...  I get that this will probably veiwed as petty but there's a limit, and this is a diary for me, so let it go for a fucking second.  My grandmother was the first to be hype on my stepdad's side. My step dad treated me like a cockblock, when I was a kid, and then in my teens; a slut and trouble maker (I literally drank ONE beer underage just to say I had. I didnt even touch a fucking dick until I was 18. Made my "sexual debut" a week before I turned 22. Didn't smoke pot til 19 and cigarettes at 28) I was a much better kid than he or my mother deserved. Their parenting wasn't shit and I always felt like the biggest handful growing for just being autistic. No one bothered to get me diagnose...