KatzyKins Cries

Left work early yesterday because I couldn't stop thinking of mom. I'm almost not scared to be fired, I think I need a break from employment...get my head together...idk. Everything is heavy all the time now. I don't think anyone reads these so no one really comprehends the metric fucktons of pushing it takes to make myself do anything at all. It all feels pointless now. Everything says good things are coming but fucking when?  The waiting is taking forever and I'm trying to be patient but I need a reason not to kill myself NOW.  I'm hanging by a mother fucking thread. My psyche just charged me 500 bucks for nothing. And I don't see any light in sight...its just getting darker...

So on top of mom dying, I'm losing my house. Not to foreclosure or anything nefarious, but we were forced to sell it because we want our lives to go in a different direction. Smaller house one day, 6 cats, making money from our rental properties while we coast affordably.  So for now we have to live with his mom in her two bedroom apartment. We somehow got all our furniture to fit. But some stuff will be stored at his aunts place. There's some feelings of failure associated with this move...even though I know it'll pay off in the end, I'm still afraid that we're gonna end up stuck there. I feel bad I couldn't keep the dream going in a house I was obsessed with.  It was too expensive. We wanted to retire one day. Hekate assures me this isn't meant to be a punishment, but it feels like one. Signs all pointed that we belonged in that house but we didn't consider how expensive upkeep would be. And we are having a bitch of a time selling it. I'm trapped i...

Got a tarot reading apparently someone is thinking about trying to come back into my life. Chances are they'll see this;  Don't. I handled the hardest losses of my life without you; I don't need people I can't trust.  My mom and grandmother are dead. What support could you offer now? Lazy. Pitiful. I don't need you anymore. Even if I miss you; it doesn't matter, I can't trust you anymore. How do I know you're working on yourself? How do I know anything has changed? I don't. You can't appease the parts of me that needed those answers years ago. Do us both a favor and try to figure your life out without me in it. That's how it stays.  Meanwhile, I'm in a funk; makes sense. But it's annoying. I wanna be back to throwing ass in clubs. But I'm currently trying to move into a small apartment with my fiance and mother in law which is actually super preferable to the money pit we purchased.  I just hope we can sell that bitch and have mon...

 If I think about it too long, it all starts to seem fated.  Losing the most important person in your life doesn't happen to everyone.  But I wasn't kidding when I said my mom was my hero.  Yes she absolutely had her flaws, and she wasn't the greatest person, but there were so many things about her that I emulated. Her strength, her fury, her protective nature.  She was the kind of lady fighting her friend's abusive boyfriends in the apartment parking lot.  I wanted to be that for my friends. I wanted to be the force they needed when shit got rough or even scary.  I learned that you never really outgrow the scared little kid you start off as.  You just grow around those traits. The same things may stop scaring you, but your heroes? The people you idolized as a kid? Needing your parents when you're scared?  ...It all just stays the same.  I walk around being in these martyr feelings as if I'm terrified to accept that maybe my agony never ...

 So, I really don't have time to grieve.  But I can't stop doing it.  We're trying to sell our house, so Taf hurried and we moved our cats to the temporary spot where we plan to move after.  ...Taf's aunt tried to protect me from it...She said to leave me out of it all. But Taf asked for help getting the cats over. Which I did and I wasn't myself the whole time.      And I think I'll have to be someone else for a while. I don't know if I'll ever really heal from any of this. This is probably the second most devastating loss.  Gods I hope I die before Taf...I won't be able to survive without him.  And I'm sorry, I know it's selfish, but I really am nothing without that man.  And I think most men are fundamentally useless, so that's saying something.  I just want to sit in a bed and rot until I feel semi-human again.  And the world won't fucking stop. Not for my mom and sure as hell not for me.  The world was never patient w...

Learned my mother is in hospice now. She's retaining fluids and i think her kidneys are shutting down. I love my mom, I didn't get the time I needed with her my whole life and none of this is fair. But on the other hand, I know she's never gonna be 100% like she used to be, she's been struggling with MS since I was 3...and I know it's time to let her go. She's in pain every day and it's only going down hill from here.  But all I ask from the universe is the chance to see her again, coherent and able to try the stuff shells I make. I want her opinion on it, and to show her I'll be okay. I've grown up; I'm getting stronger every day with my spirit team, and they take care of me now. She can rest, she can go home; be with her dad and mom again.  I'll see her when it's my time; I know I will. And then no one will be able to come between us again. :( I'll have the time I should've had with her.  It's the wait that's crushing......

  I think I'm ascending as a witch again, it always begins with a period of intense, soul crushing darkness. But what I shed for will be worth everything endured. I'm not afraid. I'm not even a little upset.  I know I've tolerated worse. Nothing thrown at me will be more than I can handle. A break isn't failure, it's a step toward light. You crack, so you can grow.  Gods, for years I thought I was stupid, but I can't be if I at least picked up on this major fundamental. I've met so many others who never noticed it.      I had a dream about her last night, ex best friend...          We were club hopping, and for some reason all these clubs had beds, and there were so many drunk girls sleeping in them. We said it looks chill and we might come back to it after some time on the beach. I think I'm just swallowing the pill that our summers together are really over. No gay club outings in Asbury, no trips to Rehoboth.      I...

I'm just not gonna tell anyone the truth anymore. Every single person who claims they want honesty from a friend is a fat fucking liar. I've yet to meet a single person who truly appreciates honesty from anyone.  I'm just supposed to shut up and let my friends ruin their lives. Okay fine. I'm not saying this shit for my health. Your the one who's throwing your life away on a grown ass toddler.  And if he fucks up and doesn't toe the line with me, you'll be hearing about the next time he does something shitty or stupid. I can't wait for all this to end in another divorce. Because apparently you'd rather go through another legal process than just admit you rushed this shit with a dude who never seems to make any fucking progress with anything.  I never hear anything good about this schlub and you wanna MARRY him? Okay. Braindead idiot ass.  And that's on God what I wanted to fire back with when you shut me down on everything.  Have fun with the clu...

So the new house isn't working out. It's old and drafty, and we're gonna actually try to sell it.  Taf said he has a plan to pay off our house and then we can work on getting a home that's just ours. He says the plan should take 5 years from when we move in if he did the math right.  I trust him. I'm sad but I trust him. And I'm gonna be alive for at least another 2 decades so I should work towards something that's sustainable so I'm not working in my 60s. My deities confirm this is the correct path, so I have to. I can't lament over things that no longer serve me. This house is stressing me out anyway. And none of the family wants to live together anyway.  I should just let it go. This had to happen because it showed us what we need in a home. A small backyard (we hate mowing), spacious interior, 4 bedrooms, at least 2.5 bathrooms, no fucking leaks, small driveway, (I hate shoveling) and a Florida room for the cats to play in.  Once we get a new hou...

Tw: suicide, drugs, mental health.... I feel like I need to be put on antipsychotics. After some research, I've scheduled a pysch visit. I didn't even recognize it as a problem because I'm not hearing strange voices; it's just my own. I'M insulting myself. So I thought it was regular ol' BPD shit. I also thought the wild aggression issues were BPD. It isn't normal to hear a tiny criticism and jump directly to 'oh god I suck, I'm awful and should kill myself' I was insistant that this was just build up from all the times I was made to feel like shit before but...what if it's not?   I'm not a danger to others. Myself maybe? But not others. But I *feel* dangerous? Like if I don't get help now, things could keep escalating and one day, I'll go full dahmer or some shit...I hope I'm sensible enough to take myself out if it gets that bad before someone else gets hurt. But when I get into a fury, I've never laid a hand on anyone, ...

Ughhh, I hate the holidays. Everything feels weird and surreal...I swear I'm jogging down the hall to the garage and I step through a portal that reminds time and I'm 16 year old again... ...but it's not the same. My mom isn't there, the dogs aren't there. I'm not actually a 16 year old. For a brief second, it feels like a second chance to heal my trauma. To advocate for myself like I never could before... It feels....positive.  But my childhood wasn't good. All the best parts happened while everyone slept. No expectations, no judgemet.  That's why I was tired all the time back then... It really just feels like that comfortable chaos I grew up in The one I ignored until I was 27 and realized I was actually a piece of shit with no heart it was good because I couldn't tell it was bad Consciously I know this but subconsciously, my brain is idealizing it...missing it. It's vile.  Driving past all the old businesses ans realizing I'm where I shoul...

Had a dream sitting up where I was stepping off a cliff. I looked down, and it scared me awake... I wonder what that means....

Had another weird dream last night... I was prepping for a move back to my first apartment... And at the same time, my best friend Robin--whom I've never lived with--was dealing with some psychic metamorphosis. I was in the middle of a huge move AND i had to keep my friend safe from her own mind, shit was weird. And my mother and other friend Larry was helping me mostly with this move--which is weird because she wasn't in a space to concentrate during my waking-world move... But no sign of Taf...I dont think I even knew Taf in this dream...no sign of my ACTUAL first roomie either...my other best friend. And suddenly I was walking home to my old house, through the neighborhood I haven't lived in since i was between 9 and 22...and, and it was just dark blue....foggy--snow on the ground. Thick snow. But the weird part were all these bright red lanterns were hanging on the trees--i remember it being the most haunting scene...I was completely alone...but I wasn't afraid, I j...

A Dying Bitch,  I'm left to rot,  prickled, lame,  No second thought.  Twisted wrist,  Clutching tight,  Those empty hands,  Their knuckles white.  Their feathers fall,  The children scream,  abruptly roused,  From a terrible dream.  Reality's cage,  The nightmare ends,  A heavy goodbye  to their dear friends Blood on stone,  The rocks in skin,  Sacrificing their own kin. 

So I don't think I'm meant to be with anyone. Having a partner isn't working and I really think I need to be alone now... He doesn't listen to me no matter how many times I explain. And even though leaving is going to be SUPER complicated (we bought a lot of wedding shit, and neither of us can keep all our cats alone) I can't just stay with someone when it isn't working because it's "easier" This was the closest I'd ever gotten to being married and I don't think I'll ever do this again... Its too much to be berated everytime I really can't do something--I can't even vent about not wanting to without starting a fight... I'm honest when I'm burning out...I know myself well in my limitations....Taf not so much...he pushes through until he can't handle anyone else needing a break. I explain and explain but he never hears me...he never let's me finish speaking and I'm just tired... I proposed that I move out for a...

 So I left this comment on an influencer's page on IG, and they legit felt the need to tell me they have a boyfriend O_o  ...Like, girl. No.  I don't flirt with influencers and content creators as a general rule, xD that's dumb.  I think if you're going to go and make a career out of being attractive online and doing makeup looks and modelling, you gotta learn not to assume everyone's legit flirting with you, or learn to not worry if they do/are.  Because you're job is to draw in a follower base with your looks O_o so why bug about it? I'm sorry that she felt the need to get so defensive, but when *that* was the only comment she responded to, it made me feel like I already made a garbage impression,  So I delete the other comments, unliked everything and unfollowed--thinking that if I stayed, I'd just continue to make her feel uncomfortable.  And that makes *me* uncomfortable, so I would always have something of a bad taste in my mouth from that intera...

 So forgetting that we're in a retrograde, I made a controversial post about a topic no one cares about anymore, and ~shocker~ it came back to bite me. During this retrograde, it's much more likely that I'm going to be misunderstood--by literally everyone. I suspect a LOT of people were just playing dumb and trying to shush a femme for trying to suggest their "goth god" was kind of a trash bag too--that no one was innocent, oh how dare I~ It wasn't worth the headache though, so I deleted it. Fuck 'em, I stand by my post, but idiots who choose to not listen are exhausting and I have shit to do. That garbage attention is like a beacon and before I know it, all my videos would get attacked. So I basically just wanted to stomp out the flames. Standing my ground with that shit at stake--felt irresponsible. A few people seemed to understand me though; and I'm grateful to them all <3 but the idiots are unfortunately much, much louder.  I'll post after ...

 It's my mom's bday today. I think she's 57 now.  Gonna have to send her a bday message.  In other news, I had to recently unfriend someone for vague booking me and then--kind of sort of abandoning me over my gym selfies.  ...I was legit dying like 5+ years ago, and I find it REALLY rude that someone decided to vague book and lump me in with people who (probably weren't even) body checking.  I'm incredibly proud of my progress because I'm not just working out now, I'm eating better too. Right after I gently confirmed the person's intention, they FURTHER fell off the planet. I had snoozed them out of my own hurt but I realized this person NEVER interacts with my posts--even if I tag them.  So I didn't feel much like a friend anyway. I unfollowed all their socials and then shortly after deleted them. I recently *re-added* someone I'd removed, simply because I've def had lazier and less interactive people on my list. Maybe I was ready to just vi...

So today I learned that I'm being hate followed by one of my bf's ex doink-buddies. I only discovered this because she got the idea we were married from--what I'm assuming--were some pics on insta, even tho our hashtags said it *wasn't* our wedding. Girl, you're gonna be fine. You've been fine for the last 3 years. I honestly barely thought of you after year 1. The only person you hurt was Taf. Having a stranger base their opinion of me, on a description from a man who was extremely fragile and prone to hyperbole--it doesn't hurt lol. I def didn't think very positively of you either when I heard you were talking shit and didn't even know me. I still don't, if I'm honest. And now? I pity you, it's been years. You couldn't give him any of what he wanted, and at your core, you were just hoping you could manipulate him into wanting whatever you were comfortable enough to give him. It wasn't going to be enough. You couldn't make yo...

       You know it's fine. I'm just 3 months late to the new year. nbd.        So tonight, Taf got super shitfaced after a *very* small amount of vodka, he even threw up a bit D;  ick, I got a doc's appointment tomorrow, but I thought of something that needed to be complained about~ I'm hopefully going to get some real answers tomorrow--and solutions with it x3x; wish my ass luck ffff  Doc says I might have high testosterone which would make SO much sense D; She wanted me to get my blood work done before I saw her again--which I did o3o hopefully it comes back proving her right because I literally can't explain half the shit happening to me.  Now for the thing I wanna bitch about it--bitches in their mid to late 20s who still think this shit is competition. Bitch, leave me alone >:C I do not want your bottom-of-the-barrel ass man, and I *hate* feeling like I'm being sold on the idea of friendship when I'm *actually* purchasing a ...