3.13.23

     I can't even say "I love being right" because it's not like I'm ever gonna get the kudos or apology I deserve. Because everyone is too salty and self-absorbed to try and understand my reasons for not having kids while being critical of the people around us who want them and can't even get their own shit together. 

    Some background, my mother in law told me to keep my mouth shut about kids since I'm not having them--Which is fucked up to say and I was extremely hurt by it--but she's got the right to be angry. She's never going to get the grandkids she wants--from Taf and I anyway. For the foreseeable future, Taf and I do not have the time, money, or energy that our kids would deserve. I don't want to push an entire kid out to give them less than my best. 

    The whole issue was brought on when we'd voiced some concerns about Taf's sister and husband having their own--they've both proven to be pretty lax on some important things (filing marriage paperwork, getting their passports updated and overall just being very lackadaisical about most things--somethings that they really shouldn't be. So of course we'd be worried that children would end up in the same boat.) 

...Well guess what happened? :') They still haven't finished up with their marriage paperwork and we're on year two since they've been married, so...yeah 

I would REALLY appreciate it if these two could just do something SHOCKING that proves me wrong--for the sake of my future niece(s) and nephew(s), but I keep being proven right and it's really not a good thing. 

Some part of me wonders if the reason my MIL doesn't seem super excited about her future (practically promised) grandkids from her daughter is that she knows her daughter doesn't have anything together.

I'm trying to see SOME part of the obscene pressure to have a child in a positive way--maybe she thinks we'd be better at or more serious about raising the kid...

Which isn't necessarily a good thing for her--and that shit is going to AGE me. And yes, realistically I know I'm going to age and my body will change and blah blah blah 

At the rate I'm trying to go--this won't happen for a LONG time, which is partly due to remaining childfree. 

Birth is hell on the body, rearing kids is hell on the face. And who's going to babysit all these kids if we ALL have our own? 

We're providing a free service--as the cool eccentric aunt and uncle who can really provide some dope Eid gifts to the kids in the family. 

I don't want a kid--
I don't want to be even MORE tired *all* of the time. 
I don't want to be broke as fuck forever. 
I don't want to struggle to provide a SINGLE thing for this kid. 
I don't want to age faster. 
I don't want to go off my hormone meds (and yes I would have to if I wanted to do IVF, my meds PREVENT fertility) 
I don't want to endure my natural out of whack hormones for 9 or more months. 
I don't want to end up dealing with more suicidal ideation because of post-partum, the influx of hormones my body couldn't regulate without doctor intervention. 
I don't want to risk death for a child I didn't feel ready for or even want. 

If my mother in law doesn't want my opinion, then it's fine. 
I won't be giving it even if I'm asked. If she has issues rearing her own 30 year old daughter--

Don't look at me, I'm barren and therefore clueless. Because it's not like I haven't considered children for the past 2 decades, and have considered every single avenue and how all of this could go wrong or get complicated. 

Obviously, she's still family; so if my sister in law is dealing with something emotions-based, then I know it's not as easy as to say "Oh maa, YOU talk to her" 

As a clueless, barren, selfish daughter-in-law :) I know absolutely nothing about the theory that it is sometimes much easier for your kid to talk to someone other than their parents about heavy things. 

Even if I don't honestly think my sister in law knows why she's sad half the time. 


Kids grow and become their own people; you have to be able to have no expectations of them as it is YOUR fault they exist. You should at LEAST let them find their own happiness and fulfillment. 

I'd argue that forcing something to exist on a planet like this one is the real selfish move, but wtf does my barren ass know? :) my god I'm salty...