11.19.23

So I don't think I'm meant to be with anyone. Having a partner isn't working and I really think I need to be alone now...

He doesn't listen to me no matter how many times I explain. And even though leaving is going to be SUPER complicated (we bought a lot of wedding shit, and neither of us can keep all our cats alone) I can't just stay with someone when it isn't working because it's "easier"

This was the closest I'd ever gotten to being married and I don't think I'll ever do this again...

Its too much to be berated everytime I really can't do something--I can't even vent about not wanting to without starting a fight...

I'm honest when I'm burning out...I know myself well in my limitations....Taf not so much...he pushes through until he can't handle anyone else needing a break. I explain and explain but he never hears me...he never let's me finish speaking and I'm just tired...

I proposed that I move out for a time. I dont think either of us really remember what it's like when the other TRULY isn't there and we're alone. And I think I really just...need to be alone without the guilt trips and subtext and underlying obvious pouting from him...

Hes been manipulative toward me in that regard. I say I need a break--and he sulks...while saying "okay"

And then I'm robbed of any break or relaxation I could've had...he doesn't know how to genuinely let me rest without ruining it.

I've told him this a lot...he doesn't hear me...

Maybe I'll manipulate him back with art. I see why his ex had to stoop to that...I dont blame her in the slightest. Survive girl. Survive.