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9.11.26

So on top of mom dying, I'm losing my house. Not to foreclosure or anything nefarious, but we were forced to sell it because we want our lives to go in a different direction. Smaller house one day, 6 cats, making money from our rental properties while we coast affordably.  So for now we have to live with his mom in her two bedroom apartment. We somehow got all our furniture to fit. But some stuff will be stored at his aunts place. There's some feelings of failure associated with this move...even though I know it'll pay off in the end, I'm still afraid that we're gonna end up stuck there. I feel bad I couldn't keep the dream going in a house I was obsessed with.  It was too expensive. We wanted to retire one day. Hekate assures me this isn't meant to be a punishment, but it feels like one. Signs all pointed that we belonged in that house but we didn't consider how expensive upkeep would be. And we are having a bitch of a time selling it. I'm trapped i...
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9.2.26

Got a tarot reading apparently someone is thinking about trying to come back into my life. Chances are they'll see this;  Don't. I handled the hardest losses of my life without you; I don't need people I can't trust.  My mom and grandmother are dead. What support could you offer now? Lazy. Pitiful. I don't need you anymore. Even if I miss you; it doesn't matter, I can't trust you anymore. How do I know you're working on yourself? How do I know anything has changed? I don't. You can't appease the parts of me that needed those answers years ago. Do us both a favor and try to figure your life out without me in it. That's how it stays.  Meanwhile, I'm in a funk; makes sense. But it's annoying. I wanna be back to throwing ass in clubs. But I'm currently trying to move into a small apartment with my fiance and mother in law which is actually super preferable to the money pit we purchased.  I just hope we can sell that bitch and have mon...
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8.30.26

  The hopeful in me, that hasn't died from the extreme levels of neglect or dystopia--psychosis, something at this point--is a miracle, but it remains.  The hopeful in me, wants to call myself a channeler, because the alternative is too sad to put a name to.      I hear her now, in the back of my head as clearly as I hear my deities, giving me live advice, telling me to eat when I should, or take meds when I need them, to finish the remaining amount still left in the dose cup.      If it's not some weird channeling habit then I've mastered her personality to a skill point. Because it sounds just like her if she'd hadn't lost her mind to brain damage and MS. She sounds happy, tells me she and Morrigan have had time to speak. That she can appreciate being an "earth mother" for what it was. I told her she'll always be my earth mother. That when I go home, I'm just as excited to see her as I will be to see Morrigan.      I don't take th...
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8.19.26

It's my mom's birthday. I, of course have many feelings, though i think I've settled on 'dread' being the main one. I don't think anyone will mourn me when I die. Logically, that's probably not true. I never used to feel this concerned about it back when Robin was still around. I considered her a real friend... Her and of course Cindy. I know Cindy will mourn and I have enough sense to know that it wouldn't be 'for show' like with family...I feel like my family will only mourn because they 'have' to.  I don't know. I never worried about mattering to anyone before Robin. But she showed me that even your closest might not mean what they say... How can I be sure anyone really cares about me anymore if even her love was a lie?  I think I'm going to miss Robin forever too... I think there's been a lot of 'deaths' in my life. And I'm getting real sick of hard goodbyes... Honestly, I wish I could die now just to see how f...
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8.11.26

 If I think about it too long, it all starts to seem fated.  Losing the most important person in your life doesn't happen to everyone.  But I wasn't kidding when I said my mom was my hero.  Yes she absolutely had her flaws, and she wasn't the greatest person, but there were so many things about her that I emulated. Her strength, her fury, her protective nature.  She was the kind of lady fighting her friend's abusive boyfriends in the apartment parking lot.  I wanted to be that for my friends. I wanted to be the force they needed when shit got rough or even scary.  I learned that you never really outgrow the scared little kid you start off as.  You just grow around those traits. The same things may stop scaring you, but your heroes? The people you idolized as a kid? Needing your parents when you're scared?  ...It all just stays the same.  I walk around being in these martyr feelings as if I'm terrified to accept that maybe my agony never ...
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7.18.26

 So, I really don't have time to grieve.  But I can't stop doing it.  We're trying to sell our house, so Taf hurried and we moved our cats to the temporary spot where we plan to move after.  ...Taf's aunt tried to protect me from it...She said to leave me out of it all. But Taf asked for help getting the cats over. Which I did and I wasn't myself the whole time.      And I think I'll have to be someone else for a while. I don't know if I'll ever really heal from any of this. This is probably the second most devastating loss.  Gods I hope I die before Taf...I won't be able to survive without him.  And I'm sorry, I know it's selfish, but I really am nothing without that man.  And I think most men are fundamentally useless, so that's saying something.  I just want to sit in a bed and rot until I feel semi-human again.  And the world won't fucking stop. Not for my mom and sure as hell not for me.  The world was never patient w...
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7.11.26

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 Today, my mother died.   We deserved so much better than this.  We deserved better than several drugs in my bloodstream,                Deserved better than 6 out of 7 cats hanging around me, worried because I won't stop crying.      I can't tell if I prefer the numbness to the crying fits, they're both equally unpleasant.  I hate crying, I hate this empty forlorn feeling I carry. I just want to walk into oblivion with her, greet the other side and see my mom restored to the shape she used to be in.      Her mind in tact, looking like I remember her...     I don't want to be alive without her.     I don't know if I'll end up dying to be with her. I feel like I'll never get better. I'll never *feel* better. About any of this. We were robbed of closure.      I could hardly get through to her by the end of the line. I wasn't making sense to her. I lov...
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