KatzyKins Cries

It's my mom's birthday. I, of course have many feelings, though i think I've settled on 'dread' being the main one. I don't think anyone will mourn me when I die. Logically, that's probably not true. I never used to feel this concerned about it back when Robin was still around. I considered her a real friend... Her and of course Cindy. I know Cindy will mourn and I have enough sense to know that it wouldn't be 'for show' like with family...I feel like my family will only mourn because they 'have' to.  I don't know. I never worried about mattering to anyone before Robin. But she showed me that even your closest might not mean what they say... How can I be sure anyone really cares about me anymore if even her love was a lie?  I think I'm going to miss Robin forever too... I think there's been a lot of 'deaths' in my life. And I'm getting real sick of hard goodbyes... Honestly, I wish I could die now just to see how f...

 If I think about it too long, it all starts to seem fated.  Losing the most important person in your life doesn't happen to everyone.  But I wasn't kidding when I said my mom was my hero.  Yes she absolutely had her flaws, and she wasn't the greatest person, but there were so many things about her that I emulated. Her strength, her fury, her protective nature.  She was the kind of lady fighting her friend's abusive boyfriends in the apartment parking lot.  I wanted to be that for my friends. I wanted to be the force they needed when shit got rough or even scary.  I learned that you never really outgrow the scared little kid you start off as.  You just grow around those traits. The same things may stop scaring you, but your heroes? The people you idolized as a kid? Needing your parents when you're scared?  ...It all just stays the same.  I walk around being in these martyr feelings as if I'm terrified to accept that maybe my agony never ...

 So, I really don't have time to grieve.  But I can't stop doing it.  We're trying to sell our house, so Taf hurried and we moved our cats to the temporary spot where we plan to move after.  ...Taf's aunt tried to protect me from it...She said to leave me out of it all. But Taf asked for help getting the cats over. Which I did and I wasn't myself the whole time.      And I think I'll have to be someone else for a while. I don't know if I'll ever really heal from any of this. This is probably the second most devastating loss.  Gods I hope I die before Taf...I won't be able to survive without him.  And I'm sorry, I know it's selfish, but I really am nothing without that man.  And I think most men are fundamentally useless, so that's saying something.  I just want to sit in a bed and rot until I feel semi-human again.  And the world won't fucking stop. Not for my mom and sure as hell not for me.  The world was never patient w...

 Today, my mother died.      We deserved so much better than this.           We deserved better than several drugs in my bloodstream,                Deserved better than 6 out of 7 cats hanging around me, worried because I won't stop crying.      I can't tell if I prefer the numbness to the crying fits, they're both equally unpleasant.  I hate crying, I hate this empty forlorn feeling I carry. I just want to walk into oblivion with her, greet the other side and see my mom restored to the shape she used to be in.      Her mind in tact, looking like I remember her...     I don't want to be alive without her.     I don't know if I'll end up dying to be with her. I feel like I'll never get better. I'll never *feel* better. About any of this. We were robbed of closure.      I could hardly get through to her by the end of the...

Learned my mother is in hospice now. She's retaining fluids and i think her kidneys are shutting down. I love my mom, I didn't get the time I needed with her my whole life and none of this is fair. But on the other hand, I know she's never gonna be 100% like she used to be, she's been struggling with MS since I was 3...and I know it's time to let her go. She's in pain every day and it's only going down hill from here.  But all I ask from the universe is the chance to see her again, coherent and able to try the stuff shells I make. I want her opinion on it, and to show her I'll be okay. I've grown up; I'm getting stronger every day with my spirit team, and they take care of me now. She can rest, she can go home; be with her dad and mom again.  I'll see her when it's my time; I know I will. And then no one will be able to come between us again. :( I'll have the time I should've had with her.  It's the wait that's crushing......

  I think I'm ascending as a witch again, it always begins with a period of intense, soul crushing darkness. But what I shed for will be worth everything endured. I'm not afraid. I'm not even a little upset.  I know I've tolerated worse. Nothing thrown at me will be more than I can handle. A break isn't failure, it's a step toward light. You crack, so you can grow.  Gods, for years I thought I was stupid, but I can't be if I at least picked up on this major fundamental. I've met so many others who never noticed it.      I had a dream about her last night, ex best friend...          We were club hopping, and for some reason all these clubs had beds, and there were so many drunk girls sleeping in them. We said it looks chill and we might come back to it after some time on the beach. I think I'm just swallowing the pill that our summers together are really over. No gay club outings in Asbury, no trips to Rehoboth.      I...