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3.6.24

Had another weird dream last night... I was prepping for a move back to my first apartment... And at the same time, my best friend Robin--whom I've never lived with--was dealing with some psychic metamorphosis. I was in the middle of a huge move AND i had to keep my friend safe from her own mind, shit was weird. And my mother and other friend Larry was helping me mostly with this move--which is weird because she wasn't in a space to concentrate during my waking-world move... But no sign of Taf...I dont think I even knew Taf in this dream...no sign of my ACTUAL first roomie either...my other best friend. And suddenly I was walking home to my old house, through the neighborhood I haven't lived in since i was between 9 and 22...and, and it was just dark blue....foggy--snow on the ground. Thick snow. But the weird part were all these bright red lanterns were hanging on the trees--i remember it being the most haunting scene...I was completely alone...but I wasn't afraid, I j
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12.26.23

Hahahahaha  When you're on the verge of a split with your partner of 6 fucking years because he's an ungrateful piece of shit, your job is shouldering EVERYTHING on you--and you're about to have an Autism/BPD combo meltdown. I am going FUCKING kill myself.  Living is too hard~I wanna go back into the FUCKING abyss so fucking bad. GET ME OUT OF HERREEEE
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12.13.23

A Dying Bitch,  I'm left to rot,  prickled, lame,  No second thought.  Twisted wrist,  Clutching tight,  Those empty hands,  Their knuckles white.  Their feathers fall,  The children scream,  abruptly roused,  From a terrible dream.  Reality's cage,  The nightmare ends,  A heavy goodbye  to their dear friends Blood on stone,  The rocks in skin,  Sacrificing their own kin. 
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11.19.23

So I don't think I'm meant to be with anyone. Having a partner isn't working and I really think I need to be alone now... He doesn't listen to me no matter how many times I explain. And even though leaving is going to be SUPER complicated (we bought a lot of wedding shit, and neither of us can keep all our cats alone) I can't just stay with someone when it isn't working because it's "easier" This was the closest I'd ever gotten to being married and I don't think I'll ever do this again... Its too much to be berated everytime I really can't do something--I can't even vent about not wanting to without starting a fight... I'm honest when I'm burning out...I know myself well in my limitations....Taf not so much...he pushes through until he can't handle anyone else needing a break. I explain and explain but he never hears me...he never let's me finish speaking and I'm just tired... I proposed that I move out for a
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8.26.23

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So my grandmother passed away on August 7th 2023, she was 82. I don't talk about my feelings with my friends.  But you'd think a DAY after the wake, the people closest to me would be more gentle with me. But I still couldn't seem to avoid pissing people off today...  I get that this will probably veiwed as petty but there's a limit, and this is a diary for me, so let it go for a fucking second.  My grandmother was the first to be hype on my stepdad's side. My step dad treated me like a cockblock, when I was a kid, and then in my teens; a slut and trouble maker (I literally drank ONE beer underage just to say I had. I didnt even touch a fucking dick until I was 18. Made my "sexual debut" a week before I turned 22. Didn't smoke pot til 19 and cigarettes at 28) I was a much better kid than he or my mother deserved. Their parenting wasn't shit and I always felt like the biggest handful growing for just being autistic. No one bothered to get me diagnose
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5.8.23

 So I left this comment on an influencer's page on IG, and they legit felt the need to tell me they have a boyfriend O_o  ...Like, girl. No.  I don't flirt with influencers and content creators as a general rule, xD that's dumb.  I think if you're going to go and make a career out of being attractive online and doing makeup looks and modelling, you gotta learn not to assume everyone's legit flirting with you, or learn to not worry if they do/are.  Because you're job is to draw in a follower base with your looks O_o so why bug about it? I'm sorry that she felt the need to get so defensive, but when *that* was the only comment she responded to, it made me feel like I already made a garbage impression,  So I delete the other comments, unliked everything and unfollowed--thinking that if I stayed, I'd just continue to make her feel uncomfortable.  And that makes *me* uncomfortable, so I would always have something of a bad taste in my mouth from that interact
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3.13.23

      I can't even say "I love being right" because it's not like I'm ever gonna get the kudos or apology I deserve. Because everyone is too salty and self-absorbed to try and understand my reasons for not having kids while being critical of the people around us who want them and can't even get their own shit together.      Some background, my mother in law told me to keep my mouth shut about kids since I'm not having them--Which is fucked up to say and I was extremely hurt by it--but she's got the right to be angry. She's never going to get the grandkids she wants--from Taf and I anyway. For the foreseeable future, Taf and I do not have the time, money, or energy that our kids would deserve. I don't want to push an entire kid out to give them less than my best.      The whole issue was brought on when we'd voiced some concerns about Taf's sister and husband having their own--they've both proven to be pretty lax on some important th
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