KatzyKins Cries

 Blaaaaaze it~  It's 4/20 I had to.  Anyway, I started my antipsychotics about 5 or 6 days ago and it's been...bliss.  My inner monologue has completely shut up <3  I still hear my deities and now they're so clear because it's  QUIET in my brain.  I don't become so devastated over any old crit anymore, and I don't get super angry during fights. I experienced a few side effects at first but most are completely gone  And I'm so fucking happy <3 I can heal and be normal <3  I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and I'm super hype to tell her! <3  Thanks for reading, friends <3 

Tw: suicide, drugs, mental health.... I feel like I need to be put on antipsychotics. After some research, I've scheduled a pysch visit. I didn't even recognize it as a problem because I'm not hearing strange voices; it's just my own. I'M insulting myself. So I thought it was regular ol' BPD shit. I also thought the wild aggression issues were BPD. It isn't normal to hear a tiny criticism and jump directly to 'oh god I suck, I'm awful and should kill myself' I was insistant that this was just build up from all the times I was made to feel like shit before but...what if it's not?   I'm not a danger to others. Myself maybe? But not others. But I *feel* dangerous? Like if I don't get help now, things could keep escalating and one day, I'll go full dahmer or some shit...I hope I'm sensible enough to take myself out if it gets that bad before someone else gets hurt. But when I get into a fury, I've never laid a hand on anyone, ...

Ughhh, I hate the holidays. Everything feels weird and surreal...I swear I'm jogging down the hall to the garage and I step through a portal that reminds time and I'm 16 year old again... ...but it's not the same. My mom isn't there, the dogs aren't there. I'm not actually a 16 year old. For a brief second, it feels like a second chance to heal my trauma. To advocate for myself like I never could before... It feels....positive.  But my childhood wasn't good. All the best parts happened while everyone slept. No expectations, no judgemet.  That's why I was tired all the time back then... It really just feels like that comfortable chaos I grew up in The one I ignored until I was 27 and realized I was actually a piece of shit with no heart it was good because I couldn't tell it was bad Consciously I know this but subconsciously, my brain is idealizing it...missing it. It's vile.  Driving past all the old businesses ans realizing I'm where I shoul...

Had a dream sitting up where I was stepping off a cliff. I looked down, and it scared me awake... I wonder what that means....

Had another weird dream last night... I was prepping for a move back to my first apartment... And at the same time, my best friend Robin--whom I've never lived with--was dealing with some psychic metamorphosis. I was in the middle of a huge move AND i had to keep my friend safe from her own mind, shit was weird. And my mother and other friend Larry was helping me mostly with this move--which is weird because she wasn't in a space to concentrate during my waking-world move... But no sign of Taf...I dont think I even knew Taf in this dream...no sign of my ACTUAL first roomie either...my other best friend. And suddenly I was walking home to my old house, through the neighborhood I haven't lived in since i was between 9 and 22...and, and it was just dark blue....foggy--snow on the ground. Thick snow. But the weird part were all these bright red lanterns were hanging on the trees--i remember it being the most haunting scene...I was completely alone...but I wasn't afraid, I j...

Hahahahaha  When you're on the verge of a split with your partner of 6 fucking years because he's an ungrateful piece of shit, your job is shouldering EVERYTHING on you--and you're about to have an Autism/BPD combo meltdown. I am going FUCKING kill myself.  Living is too hard~I wanna go back into the FUCKING abyss so fucking bad. GET ME OUT OF HERREEEE