12.23.21

I was thinking on some things and I realized the one-life-ruining thing that COULD have been an issue and SHOULD have been an issue--never happened to me. I cant honestly say I've ever had a good relationship with food. 

But for some reason I'm not a Binger and and I've only had a LEGIT eating disorder for like...6 months at 17. It never spiraled or got crazy. But if I think of it in terms of addiction; it starts to make sense.

The only thing I can say for myself is that I don't have an addictive genetic makeup. I've fucked with a few substances but I never craved them mentally or physically.

The only other time I ever fell off with food was accidental. I hadn't eaten right and got thinner and thinner and it was all because I wanted to sleep until I died. 

I was too weak to do anything let alone cook. 

But it wasn't a fear of being fat.

And the closest thing to a binge for me was going a full day without any food, and then eating a pretty big fast-food meal.

Maybe I realized no matter what I tried to make everything not hurt, it would never be enough. And I became okay with an occasional break from it with a substance here and there. But I knew chasing a dragon would be pointless. I was going to wake up feeling the same if not worse. Nothing would change it.

So just use those percs to write up a sweet email to a loved one or that kratom to draw a picture that means something.

But never expect it to fix your problems.