12.16.22

https://youtu.be/LlN8MPS7KQs

I didn't think the holidays could hurt anymore than they already do but..

I've been listening to this song on loop, and it's exhausting to hear it because I'm flooded with all the vague memories my trauma tried to rob me of, all at once.

I think about that isolating feeling of being single after a long relationship, or the feeling of not being able to find my mom. The feeling of waking up at 3am, to a quiet, empty apartment and overlooking the city skyline from your bed. Just...alone, reflecting. 

Its the feeling of my own heart breaking on repeat... And It breaks all over again, with each passing memory. 

And even though it hurts to hear, it's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever listened to. The melody is so simple but the feelings it elicits makes it so powerful...

I really have grown to fetishize and romanticize my own pain, the way I can't shut this off.

I love Yule; the season is so romantic and it's tied to so many happy memories of being a kid and not realizing how damaged everyone and everything was around me...

...but home is different now. I have shelter but I'll never have those same feelings. New feelings are nice, but I still desperately cling to the moments that got me through my unpleasant past; at my most helpless.

And I can't seem to move past it. Try as a might...

Taf's family had one of the nicest, warmest, Christmas celebrations I've ever been part of 💗🎄 but it made me miss my mother more...and I felt guilty for it. I'm the reason they bother with Christmas, if I weren't here, it would just be another day for them.

No matter how blessed I've become, how many good and wonderful people love me, and keep me from that familiar isolation...there is something inside of me that's broken, or missing...a piece of who I used to be that I can never be again.

Most of the time it's necessary; I learned to be less naive, but there's something so tragic about watching those pieces of yourself die...

All you're left with is this matured, hollowness. You accept it calmy--but empty. I feel like every adult knows this feeling--maybe you have the privilege of seeing both your parents every day, maybe your childhood was peaceful and your parents were good to you and they never fought but somehow, someway...

I think we all lose this "piece" as we age.