1.6.23

 So forgetting that we're in a retrograde, I made a controversial post about a topic no one cares about anymore, and ~shocker~ it came back to bite me. During this retrograde, it's much more likely that I'm going to be misunderstood--by literally everyone. I suspect a LOT of people were just playing dumb and trying to shush a femme for trying to suggest their "goth god" was kind of a trash bag too--that no one was innocent, oh how dare I~
It wasn't worth the headache though, so I deleted it. Fuck 'em, I stand by my post, but idiots who choose to not listen are exhausting and I have shit to do. That garbage attention is like a beacon and before I know it, all my videos would get attacked. So I basically just wanted to stomp out the flames. Standing my ground with that shit at stake--felt irresponsible. A few people seemed to understand me though; and I'm grateful to them all <3 but the idiots are unfortunately much, much louder. 

I'll post after the retrograde, lest anything else I say become controversial for even *less* reason. 

I hate how I end up feeling coincidentally, it's always during a retrograde. I was fin before but...then I wasn't anymore. 

Work was...okay. And I'm hopefully not going to into the office tomorrow, assuming my coworker doesn't run into any issues. *knocks on wood* 

I bought some teas for my patron deities, and one box of white peach oolong. It was my favorite for a while...I wonder if I still like it. 

It's dawned on me that all my silly little facts regarding goofy internet shit that has gone down, are virtually meaningless and I'm not sure why I'm still out here, collecting these stupid little trivia pieces like they matter? 

I'm also being forced to reconcile that--try as I might to explain this shit into the ground--it will never take, and no one will ever really see me how I see myself. 

You'd think I'd be aware of all this very obvious shit, and I usually am. At the back of my mind, I know it all very well. 

But I'm not usually burdened with any strong feelings about it--It just is. No one will ever be seen by others how they see themselves. We all either hype ourselves up in our heads, or certain aspects of our identity just look different in our own heads--we might perceive a standard thing in an unorthodox way and when something so universally understood is skewed in your own brain--how will most people ever stomach *your* idea of who *you* are--to yourself? 

It's confusing to write, it's confusing to understand why I'm bothered by it now. But apparently the fuckin moon is in Cancer and bITCH I am feeling it. 

It just sucks that in order to be taken seriously, or viewed the right way, I have to change *everything* about myself. I have to dress in a way that most people understand to be "masculine." 

But I'm not going for masculine? I'm going for genderless. But I like pretty things, and I want to be a pretty thing. But that's all it is--I feel like a fucking thing. 

Sometimes I'm pretty but sometimes, I'm just not human. I can't tell if it's something less than human or more. But I feel foreign to this species, and I always have.

I will never understand why a dude can wear dresses, smear glitter on his face and put his long-ass hair up in pigtails--and still get he/him'd 

But I have to work harder just to feel deserving and *SEEN* as a they/them 
I've seen cis dudes rocking bigger tiddies than me, and they STILL get gendered and viewed appropriately. 

Why am I different? Even the people I love most won't ever understand me or see me correctly. 

I'm not looking for he/him, I'm looking to look as foreign as I feel and have that recognized. 
I'm looking to have all aspects of my personality *seen* by the people closest to me. 

I want them to see the masc and neutral sides as clearly as they see the femme, without me changing or dressing differently. Because everyone and their mother *swears* that it's not just "what you wear and what you like" that determines whether you masc/femme or a girl/boy--there's an energy to it. 

You see some behavioral traits and you know the difference--because yay stereotypes. 
I would hope that shit would shine through no matter what I'm wearing or what I have on my face...but I guess it's just wishful thinking. 

I...really wish I weren't nonbinary. It'd be so much easier if I just felt human, and if I just fit the "she/her" pronouns. But I fucking don't. 

And talking about it to cis people--and even other nonbinary people save for a few--it just makes me feel super alone and isolated... 

I guess it really is too much to ask that all my sides are recognized by the most important people in my life...I should just be happy that they'll fake it, and pretend that they believe my identity is fitting in any facet. 

I literally coat myself in glitter, give myself hair-antennae (pigtails, space buns, etc.) and I dress like how the people in the early 2000's thought we'd dress now. But it's not enough to give off those space-clown-fairy-vibes I've been chasing for forever... 

They will only see me as "That girl who wants to be referred to as they/them." 
I know it's greedy to want more from them, but it hurts that I'll never have it. 

It hurts that I don't feel like they're trying, 
It hurts that I don't know how to explain it so they'll understand.