8.26.23

So my grandmother passed away on August 7th 2023, she was 82. I don't talk about my feelings with my friends. 

But you'd think a DAY after the wake, the people closest to me would be more gentle with me.

But I still couldn't seem to avoid pissing people off today... 

I get that this will probably veiwed as petty but there's a limit, and this is a diary for me, so let it go for a fucking second. 

My grandmother was the first to be hype on my stepdad's side. My step dad treated me like a cockblock, when I was a kid, and then in my teens; a slut and trouble maker (I literally drank ONE beer underage just to say I had. I didnt even touch a fucking dick until I was 18. Made my "sexual debut" a week before I turned 22. Didn't smoke pot til 19 and cigarettes at 28)

I was a much better kid than he or my mother deserved. Their parenting wasn't shit and I always felt like the biggest handful growing for just being autistic. No one bothered to get me diagnosed tho. Go fucking fig.

I was enough to be a bother and get physically abused and hit by fucking 25 year, but not enough to get me some fucking help.

My grandmother was the first person who wanted to hang out with me. My grandfather was hype too and My aunt right after--at least when I was a baby; they were just excited to be grandparents, (and an aunt)

My mom barely had me meet her side of the family cuz she hated practically everyone--and by the time I met her brother as a coherent adult--he kind of sucked

How tf are you gonna have a terminal illness, be living off med assistance and still call yourself a republican with a straight face?

My mom had no standards that would ever beat out nostalgia...I fucking swear.

So my grandmother being the first (and best) at making me feel like I wasn't excluded makes this loss the first and heaviest real loss. I've had my pets put down--and while I loved them a lot, they were childhood pets and I lost them at 15 and 17 and I wasn't able to understand how finite that shit is until years had passed.

This shit hit me at 32 (almost 33) she was much closer to my sister but we all (most of us anyway...) understood she was the grandkid who lived with her for the last 5 years. She was kid who was there most. It doesn't diminish what she felt for us all--she just had a different connection with my sister. And I'm glad she had that. My sister doesn't have another mother figure, so I'm glad that mom-mom was there. (Our mom was a huge dick to my sister and mom-mom the entire time she was in the picture. As it was my sister's fault she decided to stay pregnant.)

My sister put most of the memorial together as one of the most crushed of us there...

And pop-pop...I'm very worried about him. I have my complaints about their marriage, but you don't spend 61 years together and feel nothing when your partner passes. He's really having a hard time...I'm worried love bird syndrome will take him next...or he'll slip into alcoholism again...

He's 82 as well, and it's hard to ask someone to start over when they're this far in it...

I hope he relies on my step dad...I really do.

I want to post a memory of my grandmother that really showcases how much she didn't want me to feel excluded:

One time my mom had bought me a little black sheep plush, (an inside joke cuz we'd say i was the black sheep of the fam, laughing at it made it easier to deal with back then.) and I had showed it my grandmother, and told her why I had it, she hugged me and say "no you aren't!" With a light quiver in her throat, I thought it was a laugh, I couldn't tell if it was at the ridiculousness or because she understood the joke and was trying to stifle the laugh.

But looking back, I think it choked her up a bit. She worked hard but it wasn't enough to protect me from the two people who were screwing me up. 

I hate Christian wakes tbh; it's always got a lot of conversion pressure in it. The dude said some ridiculous shit about how if my grandmother could speak to us all one last time she'd basically tell us to convert.

That is absolutely NOT true. I did NOT like how that missionary fuck was speaking for her.

First words out of her mouth would be "I love you all." Second would be: "I'm okay." And the third "I'll still be with you all."

He was right about ONE thing though; where she is right now gifts her with ultimate clarity. Everything she didn't understand in life will now make perfect sense to her...she's somewhere she can understand any and every choice her family and friends ever made. I feel like that youth pastor fuck just prattled on about God when it was supposed to be about my grandmother--every funeral I've been to--its always a church slipping in the "if you don't convert now, you'll never see her again." Bitch the fuck I won't. 

The pastor could read all the bibles known to man but he is STILL a flawed human being who couldn't begin to understand anymore than we do. So wtf should we listen to him? Tf makes him an authority on what lies ahead? He's just a person. He didn't even know her and that's why he couldn't give so much as a simple example of who she was.

Thats why we needed a segment to share what we knew and remembered about her. The whole family was too distraught to share, but Taf got up ✨️💕 he stood up and shared about how she'd made him feel welcome first and how he always felt included in the family because of her.

He loved her too...

Him stepping up like that earned him A LOT of points with my family too 💕 my grandmother would be very happy to know she was right about him, I think...

The day after she had passed, August 8th I saw this on my laptop:

I was stunned, mom-mom loved lighthouses and she used to collect them. I knew it was her. It had to be...

And my sister said her porch light was turned off the night she passed, but was still flickering outside...💔 I know she doesn't want us to worry or miss her too much,

But God, I just wanna throw up until there isn't a single organ left in me...