8.11.26
If I think about it too long, it all starts to seem fated. Losing the most important person in your life doesn't happen to everyone. But I wasn't kidding when I said my mom was my hero. Yes she absolutely had her flaws, and she wasn't the greatest person, but there were so many things about her that I emulated. Her strength, her fury, her protective nature. She was the kind of lady fighting her friend's abusive boyfriends in the apartment parking lot. I wanted to be that for my friends. I wanted to be the force they needed when shit got rough or even scary. I learned that you never really outgrow the scared little kid you start off as. You just grow around those traits. The same things may stop scaring you, but your heroes? The people you idolized as a kid? Needing your parents when you're scared? ...It all just stays the same. I walk around being in these martyr feelings as if I'm terrified to accept that maybe my agony never ...
