KatzyKins Cries

Everyone always says "you can talk to me if you want."  But like...the problem is I don't know where to begin.  There's a lot of things I can't put words to and some things are too vulnerable to express outloud.  Even after I already said I died with her. Even after I already said I wanted to die too. Expressing things doesn't make me feel any better. I'm stuck in a stupid bubble just me and all my dumbass feelings. And none of it will ever bring her back... This is the first Halloween since she's died. And it was her favorite holiday so I'm hoping she visits... I'll always miss her....I'll stay feeling this lost and shitty forever.

When do I run out of pain to name? When do I stop harping on this? Her death literally ruined me. It buried me in so deep, that I can't find the bitch I used to be... I don't know who I am anymore. I don't get dressed up, I don't go out. I don't do anything anymore. And I need it fixed now but I'm also not ready to be better.... But it would be nice if I had an idea of how long I'd have to sit here and just...miss her. That's all I do now. I sit, stoned and I miss her. I replay childhood in my brain on repeat. I just don't want to do anything but see her again... And I'm living til 93 according to my deities, this shit is just cruelty....

So on top of mom dying, I'm losing my house. Not to foreclosure or anything nefarious, but we were forced to sell it because we want our lives to go in a different direction. Smaller house one day, 6 cats, making money from our rental properties while we coast affordably.  So for now we have to live with his mom in her two bedroom apartment. We somehow got all our furniture to fit. But some stuff will be stored at his aunts place. There's some feelings of failure associated with this move...even though I know it'll pay off in the end, I'm still afraid that we're gonna end up stuck there. I feel bad I couldn't keep the dream going in a house I was obsessed with.  It was too expensive. We wanted to retire one day. Hekate assures me this isn't meant to be a punishment, but it feels like one. Signs all pointed that we belonged in that house but we didn't consider how expensive upkeep would be. And we are having a bitch of a time selling it. I'm trapped i...

Got a tarot reading apparently someone is thinking about trying to come back into my life. Chances are they'll see this;  Don't. I handled the hardest losses of my life without you; I don't need people I can't trust.  My mom and grandmother are dead. What support could you offer now? Lazy. Pitiful. I don't need you anymore. Even if I miss you; it doesn't matter, I can't trust you anymore. How do I know you're working on yourself? How do I know anything has changed? I don't. You can't appease the parts of me that needed those answers years ago. Do us both a favor and try to figure your life out without me in it. That's how it stays.  Meanwhile, I'm in a funk; makes sense. But it's annoying. I wanna be back to throwing ass in clubs. But I'm currently trying to move into a small apartment with my fiance and mother in law which is actually super preferable to the money pit we purchased.  I just hope we can sell that bitch and have mon...