8.19.26

It's my mom's birthday.

I, of course have many feelings, though i think I've settled on 'dread' being the main one.

I don't think anyone will mourn me when I die. Logically, that's probably not true.

I never used to feel this concerned about it back when Robin was still around. I considered her a real friend...

Her and of course Cindy. I know Cindy will mourn and I have enough sense to know that it wouldn't be 'for show' like with family...I feel like my family will only mourn because they 'have' to. 

I don't know. I never worried about mattering to anyone before Robin.
But she showed me that even your closest might not mean what they say...

How can I be sure anyone really cares about me anymore if even her love was a lie? 

I think I'm going to miss Robin forever too...

I think there's been a lot of 'deaths' in my life. And I'm getting real sick of hard goodbyes...

Honestly, I wish I could die now just to see how fake my funeral would be...

Just to get away from all these unpleasant emotions. 

I'm going on a cruise tomorrow...I dont know why I can't be happy...💔

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