KatzyKins Cries

Everyone always says "you can talk to me if you want."  But like...the problem is I don't know where to begin.  There's a lot of things I can't put words to and some things are too vulnerable to express outloud.  Even after I already said I died with her. Even after I already said I wanted to die too. Expressing things doesn't make me feel any better. I'm stuck in a stupid bubble just me and all my dumbass feelings. And none of it will ever bring her back... This is the first Halloween since she's died. And it was her favorite holiday so I'm hoping she visits... I'll always miss her....I'll stay feeling this lost and shitty forever.

When do I run out of pain to name? When do I stop harping on this? Her death literally ruined me. It buried me in so deep, that I can't find the bitch I used to be... I don't know who I am anymore. I don't get dressed up, I don't go out. I don't do anything anymore. And I need it fixed now but I'm also not ready to be better.... But it would be nice if I had an idea of how long I'd have to sit here and just...miss her. That's all I do now. I sit, stoned and I miss her. I replay childhood in my brain on repeat. I just don't want to do anything but see her again... And I'm living til 93 according to my deities, this shit is just cruelty....

 So, I really don't have time to grieve.  But I can't stop doing it.  We're trying to sell our house, so Taf hurried and we moved our cats to the temporary spot where we plan to move after.  ...Taf's aunt tried to protect me from it...She said to leave me out of it all. But Taf asked for help getting the cats over. Which I did and I wasn't myself the whole time.      And I think I'll have to be someone else for a while. I don't know if I'll ever really heal from any of this. This is probably the second most devastating loss.  Gods I hope I die before Taf...I won't be able to survive without him.  And I'm sorry, I know it's selfish, but I really am nothing without that man.  And I think most men are fundamentally useless, so that's saying something.  I just want to sit in a bed and rot until I feel semi-human again.  And the world won't fucking stop. Not for my mom and sure as hell not for me.  The world was never patient w...

 Today, my mother died.   We deserved so much better than this.  We deserved better than several drugs in my bloodstream,                Deserved better than 6 out of 7 cats hanging around me, worried because I won't stop crying.      I can't tell if I prefer the numbness to the crying fits, they're both equally unpleasant.  I hate crying, I hate this empty forlorn feeling I carry. I just want to walk into oblivion with her, greet the other side and see my mom restored to the shape she used to be in.      Her mind in tact, looking like I remember her...     I don't want to be alive without her.     I don't know if I'll end up dying to be with her. I feel like I'll never get better. I'll never *feel* better. About any of this. We were robbed of closure.      I could hardly get through to her by the end of the line. I wasn't making sense to her. I lov...

Learned my mother is in hospice now. She's retaining fluids and i think her kidneys are shutting down. I love my mom, I didn't get the time I needed with her my whole life and none of this is fair. But on the other hand, I know she's never gonna be 100% like she used to be, she's been struggling with MS since I was 3...and I know it's time to let her go. She's in pain every day and it's only going down hill from here.  But all I ask from the universe is the chance to see her again, coherent and able to try the stuff shells I make. I want her opinion on it, and to show her I'll be okay. I've grown up; I'm getting stronger every day with my spirit team, and they take care of me now. She can rest, she can go home; be with her dad and mom again.  I'll see her when it's my time; I know I will. And then no one will be able to come between us again. :( I'll have the time I should've had with her.  It's the wait that's crushing......