7.11.26

 Today, my mother died. 

    We deserved so much better than this. 

        We deserved better than several drugs in my bloodstream, 

            Deserved better than 6 out of 7 cats hanging around me, worried because I won't stop crying. 

    I can't tell if I prefer the numbness to the crying fits, they're both equally unpleasant. 

I hate crying, I hate this empty forlorn feeling I carry. I just want to walk into oblivion with her, greet the other side and see my mom restored to the shape she used to be in. 

    Her mind in tact, looking like I remember her...

    I don't want to be alive without her. 

   I don't know if I'll end up dying to be with her. I feel like I'll never get better. I'll never *feel* better. About any of this. We were robbed of closure. 

    I could hardly get through to her by the end of the line. I wasn't making sense to her. I love her so much...I knew her my whole life, how am I supposed to know how to continue without her? 

It's not fair. For 35 years I had her...But we couldn't be together. I didn't get to be with her for 8 years. Only finally getting the chance because her housemate reached out to me. 

I'm grateful, but betrayed. 


How do I heal from this? 

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to create. I just want to drown so I can leave. 

I had to take a double dose of sleep aids because the first set didn't work. But it seems like the second dose isn't working either. 

I gave up, I took two muscle relaxers too. I'm also on THC. 

If it can destroy me, rob me of precious seconds on this planet, I'll do it. 

I'll let my kidneys rot beside hers. My mom made mistakes, but I'll always love her. 

I will never be okay. 

This will never heal fully. I will carry a gaping wound in my chest for the whole of my life. 

I just want to go home and be with her. 

Rest in paradise mom, I'll miss you forever.