7.18.26

 So, I really don't have time to grieve. 

But I can't stop doing it. 

We're trying to sell our house, so Taf hurried and we moved our cats to the temporary spot where we plan to move after. 

...Taf's aunt tried to protect me from it...She said to leave me out of it all. But Taf asked for help getting the cats over. Which I did and I wasn't myself the whole time. 

    And I think I'll have to be someone else for a while. I don't know if I'll ever really heal from any of this. This is probably the second most devastating loss. 

Gods I hope I die before Taf...I won't be able to survive without him. 
And I'm sorry, I know it's selfish, but I really am nothing without that man. 

And I think most men are fundamentally useless, so that's saying something. 

I just want to sit in a bed and rot until I feel semi-human again. 

And the world won't fucking stop. Not for my mom and sure as hell not for me. 

The world was never patient with me. I need to stop being so considerate of other people. 

I thought of my mom's cigs sitting unsmoked, in their pack. Knowing she's never going to finish them and it was so stupid but I crumbled like a shitty nabisco cookie. 

I remembered when she taught to make wishes over train tracks, and pick up your feet. 


She'll never teach me anything again. Not even how to accept this loss. 

I'm completely unmotivated to take care of myself. I don't want to eat, sleeping is harder now. 

I am just walking dead. 

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