7.2.26

Learned my mother is in hospice now. She's retaining fluids and i think her kidneys are shutting down.

I love my mom,

I didn't get the time I needed with her my whole life and none of this is fair.

But on the other hand, I know she's never gonna be 100% like she used to be, she's been struggling with MS since I was 3...and I know it's time to let her go.

She's in pain every day and it's only going down hill from here. 

But all I ask from the universe is the chance to see her again, coherent and able to try the stuff shells I make. I want her opinion on it, and to show her I'll be okay.

I've grown up; I'm getting stronger every day with my spirit team, and they take care of me now. She can rest, she can go home; be with her dad and mom again. 

I'll see her when it's my time; I know I will.

And then no one will be able to come between us again. :( I'll have the time I should've had with her. 

It's the wait that's crushing...

Knowing I have another 60 years on this doomed ass dirt rock when I just want to go home too. 

But...I have to think of it as a reward for touching it out; there's still things to learn. 

I just need to see her again before she leaves...gods this is difficult.

My friends are trying to be there for me and I feel back cuz I'm very much the type to isolate until tears run dry. 

I don't like people witnessing me crying, I don't do vulnerability like that. 

I grew up with no one really having time for my emotional meltdowns, so this was how I coped; now I'm an adult who simply shares the main issue but never the details.

But Taf? Nah Taf gets stuck with the brunt of it; he's the only one I let that close. 

So yeah, 

That's it. My mom is dying, I can't cry in front of my friends, and that's all I got. 

I love you mom.

I wish we had more time together...we were robbed of each other....