9.11.26

So on top of mom dying, I'm losing my house.

Not to foreclosure or anything nefarious, but we were forced to sell it because we want our lives to go in a different direction.

Smaller house one day, 6 cats, making money from our rental properties while we coast affordably. 

So for now we have to live with his mom in her two bedroom apartment.

We somehow got all our furniture to fit. But some stuff will be stored at his aunts place.

There's some feelings of failure associated with this move...even though I know it'll pay off in the end, I'm still afraid that we're gonna end up stuck there. I feel bad I couldn't keep the dream going in a house I was obsessed with. 

It was too expensive. We wanted to retire one day. Hekate assures me this isn't meant to be a punishment, but it feels like one.

Signs all pointed that we belonged in that house but we didn't consider how expensive upkeep would be. And we are having a bitch of a time selling it.

I'm trapped in rut, my mental health is at its lowest in a while. It feels like loss after loss after loss. 

When do I start winning? When does it turn back into fortune for me? 

I just want to go out again and do what makes me feel like me, but I don't trust any of my friends to be REAL friends.

I don't believe they'll help when asked. I don't want to put myself in a room with people I can't actually rely on.

So who do you party with when your friends outted themselves as fair weather ones?

I swear it's never been this dark before. I don't know how to find my way out and Hekate is acting more as a witness to me than a guide--or maybe I'm not hearing her right...

Or maybe it's all a time game and I just have to let myself sit with these wounds until they heal on their own. Maybe there's nothing Hekate can do for that. 

Maybe it's all on me. 

And that's fucking terrifying.
I have no idea what to do...so I just sit and wish I could stop doing anything. 

I died with my mom. 
She was the last piece I had. There's no worth in being alive if I can't make her proud.

And now I never will again.

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