KatzyKins Cries

 So forgetting that we're in a retrograde, I made a controversial post about a topic no one cares about anymore, and ~shocker~ it came back to bite me. During this retrograde, it's much more likely that I'm going to be misunderstood--by literally everyone. I suspect a LOT of people were just playing dumb and trying to shush a femme for trying to suggest their "goth god" was kind of a trash bag too--that no one was innocent, oh how dare I~ It wasn't worth the headache though, so I deleted it. Fuck 'em, I stand by my post, but idiots who choose to not listen are exhausting and I have shit to do. That garbage attention is like a beacon and before I know it, all my videos would get attacked. So I basically just wanted to stomp out the flames. Standing my ground with that shit at stake--felt irresponsible. A few people seemed to understand me though; and I'm grateful to them all <3 but the idiots are unfortunately much, much louder.  I'll post after ...

Christmas was super fun ✨️💕 We did so many things with friends and family and I think this was the best Christmas I've had since I was a kid. ...I miss my mom a lot though. I've been delving into the theory of reincarnation lately. Apparently I'm on my 5th life. Taf is on his 3rd, his sister is on her last go and so is my friend Jean. It's unclear what happens when you finish out your 11th life, I've heard a lot of people say we will ascend to Godhood. I've also heard it just makes reincarnation a choice; that I might be able to wait alongside Taf to finish out his cycles...I'm worried about who I'll be in the next go... Will I still be kind? Will I fine myself back to veganism again? I really don't want to change and revert back to a helpless, scared kid.  Sounds unpleasant, but I feel like rules might be rules and I won't get a say.  My best friend Robin (she's currently on her 6th cycle) says she believes it to be a choice.  My sister is ...

https://youtu.be/LlN8MPS7KQs I didn't think the holidays could hurt anymore than they already do but.. I've been listening to this song on loop, and it's exhausting to hear it because I'm flooded with all the vague memories my trauma tried to rob me of, all at once. I think about that isolating feeling of being single after a long relationship, or the feeling of not being able to find my mom. The feeling of waking up at 3am, to a quiet, empty apartment and overlooking the city skyline from your bed. Just...alone, reflecting.  Its the feeling of my own heart breaking on repeat... And It breaks all over again, with each passing memory.  And even though it hurts to hear, it's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever listened to. The melody is so simple but the feelings it elicits makes it so powerful... I really have grown to fetishize and romanticize my own pain, the way I can't shut this off. I love Yule; the season is so romantic and it's tied to so man...

I think I just haven't been tested like that in a minute. There could be a million factors to why that interaction felt so weird. But at the end of the day; I was hurt because this persona I've created wasn't strong enough to protect me. I need to be more poised--controlled and most importantly, I need to believe in my own "bullshit." I am not pretending to be a bad bitch that has it all; I AM a bad bitch that has it all. And I should know better than to let anyone with a life I do not envy and opinions I think are brain dead, stupid and flawed to make me feel less than myself. Not everything felt needs to be said and I really need to remember that. A bad bitch doesn't need to advertise, but I watched myself in real time explaining who I am--that cannot happen; we needn't explain. We don't need to explain our changes or our existence. We are allowed to simply "be." Hopefully keeping wings up will be easier without the progesterone and the bac...

So I didn't blog on my bday; I'm 32 now as of September 4th 2022.  I only ever blog when things aren't super swell or I came to some sHOCKING REVELATION~!!! Well last night my ipod wiped itself CLEAN. and the system forced me to do a factory reset on it. So I lost everything. I'm on my 3rd program now trying to recover the lost MP3s. And of course, my first thought is "oh no did I get hexed again?"  O3o but I'm getting the feeling my deities are just sick of the lamenting I've been doing--for legit no reason. I've been on progesterone for a minute and gooooood I hate it. Shit makes me sleepy and anxious. And I've been in a negative headspace for it. I think they're method was "we can give you something to cry about." Not to be mean; but to remind me that things aren't terrible o3o which is fair I think. I said I'd try to remain positive assuming I'm able to get my music back. Even though the drugs are making me feel ic...

 It's my mom's bday today. I think she's 57 now.  Gonna have to send her a bday message.  In other news, I had to recently unfriend someone for vague booking me and then--kind of sort of abandoning me over my gym selfies.  ...I was legit dying like 5+ years ago, and I find it REALLY rude that someone decided to vague book and lump me in with people who (probably weren't even) body checking.  I'm incredibly proud of my progress because I'm not just working out now, I'm eating better too. Right after I gently confirmed the person's intention, they FURTHER fell off the planet. I had snoozed them out of my own hurt but I realized this person NEVER interacts with my posts--even if I tag them.  So I didn't feel much like a friend anyway. I unfollowed all their socials and then shortly after deleted them. I recently *re-added* someone I'd removed, simply because I've def had lazier and less interactive people on my list. Maybe I was ready to just vi...

So today I found out I have atypical autism. So uh....that sucks even tho I'm not supposed to say that. I just kind of hate that I was right when I noticed everyone treating me like a burden my whole life was because somethings been "wrong" with me...kinda hurts. It isn't "supposed" to but a diagnosis can be anything I feel. It can be good, bad or neutral, but my reaction isn't wrong. And I shouldn't think that *I'm* wrong either...but I do.  Feels like the mistreatment was "justified" because I have, in fact, been fucking weird this whole time--even tho I'd never justify mistreating anyone because they're "weird" That isn't a cause for harm. But I never treat myself as kindly as I treat others, because no one else ever has. But I really, REALLY need to stop. Because if no one else deserves this then why do I? Why am I special in a bad way? Because I've always been, I guess...