KatzyKins Cries

Left work early yesterday because I couldn't stop thinking of mom. I'm almost not scared to be fired, I think I need a break from employment...get my head together...idk. Everything is heavy all the time now. I don't think anyone reads these so no one really comprehends the metric fucktons of pushing it takes to make myself do anything at all. It all feels pointless now. Everything says good things are coming but fucking when?  The waiting is taking forever and I'm trying to be patient but I need a reason not to kill myself NOW.  I'm hanging by a mother fucking thread. My psyche just charged me 500 bucks for nothing. And I don't see any light in sight...its just getting darker...

Everyone always says "you can talk to me if you want."  But like...the problem is I don't know where to begin.  There's a lot of things I can't put words to and some things are too vulnerable to express outloud.  Even after I already said I died with her. Even after I already said I wanted to die too. Expressing things doesn't make me feel any better. I'm stuck in a stupid bubble just me and all my dumbass feelings. And none of it will ever bring her back... This is the first Halloween since she's died. And it was her favorite holiday so I'm hoping she visits... I'll always miss her....I'll stay feeling this lost and shitty forever.

When do I run out of pain to name? When do I stop harping on this? Her death literally ruined me. It buried me in so deep, that I can't find the bitch I used to be... I don't know who I am anymore. I don't get dressed up, I don't go out. I don't do anything anymore. And I need it fixed now but I'm also not ready to be better.... But it would be nice if I had an idea of how long I'd have to sit here and just...miss her. That's all I do now. I sit, stoned and I miss her. I replay childhood in my brain on repeat. I just don't want to do anything but see her again... And I'm living til 93 according to my deities, this shit is just cruelty....

So on top of mom dying, I'm losing my house. Not to foreclosure or anything nefarious, but we were forced to sell it because we want our lives to go in a different direction. Smaller house one day, 6 cats, making money from our rental properties while we coast affordably.  So for now we have to live with his mom in her two bedroom apartment. We somehow got all our furniture to fit. But some stuff will be stored at his aunts place. There's some feelings of failure associated with this move...even though I know it'll pay off in the end, I'm still afraid that we're gonna end up stuck there. I feel bad I couldn't keep the dream going in a house I was obsessed with.  It was too expensive. We wanted to retire one day. Hekate assures me this isn't meant to be a punishment, but it feels like one. Signs all pointed that we belonged in that house but we didn't consider how expensive upkeep would be. And we are having a bitch of a time selling it. I'm trapped i...

Got a tarot reading apparently someone is thinking about trying to come back into my life. Chances are they'll see this;  Don't. I handled the hardest losses of my life without you; I don't need people I can't trust.  My mom and grandmother are dead. What support could you offer now? Lazy. Pitiful. I don't need you anymore. Even if I miss you; it doesn't matter, I can't trust you anymore. How do I know you're working on yourself? How do I know anything has changed? I don't. You can't appease the parts of me that needed those answers years ago. Do us both a favor and try to figure your life out without me in it. That's how it stays.  Meanwhile, I'm in a funk; makes sense. But it's annoying. I wanna be back to throwing ass in clubs. But I'm currently trying to move into a small apartment with my fiance and mother in law which is actually super preferable to the money pit we purchased.  I just hope we can sell that bitch and have mon...

  The hopeful in me, that hasn't died from the extreme levels of neglect or dystopia--psychosis, something at this point--is a miracle, but it remains.  The hopeful in me, wants to call myself a channeler, because the alternative is too sad to put a name to.      I hear her now, in the back of my head as clearly as I hear my deities, giving me live advice, telling me to eat when I should, or take meds when I need them, to finish the remaining amount still left in the dose cup.      If it's not some weird channeling habit then I've mastered her personality to a skill point. Because it sounds just like her if she'd hadn't lost her mind to brain damage and MS. She sounds happy, tells me she and Morrigan have had time to speak. That she can appreciate being an "earth mother" for what it was. I told her she'll always be my earth mother. That when I go home, I'm just as excited to see her as I will be to see Morrigan.      I don't take th...

It's my mom's birthday. I, of course have many feelings, though i think I've settled on 'dread' being the main one. I don't think anyone will mourn me when I die. Logically, that's probably not true. I never used to feel this concerned about it back when Robin was still around. I considered her a real friend... Her and of course Cindy. I know Cindy will mourn and I have enough sense to know that it wouldn't be 'for show' like with family...I feel like my family will only mourn because they 'have' to.  I don't know. I never worried about mattering to anyone before Robin. But she showed me that even your closest might not mean what they say... How can I be sure anyone really cares about me anymore if even her love was a lie?  I think I'm going to miss Robin forever too... I think there's been a lot of 'deaths' in my life. And I'm getting real sick of hard goodbyes... Honestly, I wish I could die now just to see how f...

 If I think about it too long, it all starts to seem fated.  Losing the most important person in your life doesn't happen to everyone.  But I wasn't kidding when I said my mom was my hero.  Yes she absolutely had her flaws, and she wasn't the greatest person, but there were so many things about her that I emulated. Her strength, her fury, her protective nature.  She was the kind of lady fighting her friend's abusive boyfriends in the apartment parking lot.  I wanted to be that for my friends. I wanted to be the force they needed when shit got rough or even scary.  I learned that you never really outgrow the scared little kid you start off as.  You just grow around those traits. The same things may stop scaring you, but your heroes? The people you idolized as a kid? Needing your parents when you're scared?  ...It all just stays the same.  I walk around being in these martyr feelings as if I'm terrified to accept that maybe my agony never ...

 So, I really don't have time to grieve.  But I can't stop doing it.  We're trying to sell our house, so Taf hurried and we moved our cats to the temporary spot where we plan to move after.  ...Taf's aunt tried to protect me from it...She said to leave me out of it all. But Taf asked for help getting the cats over. Which I did and I wasn't myself the whole time.      And I think I'll have to be someone else for a while. I don't know if I'll ever really heal from any of this. This is probably the second most devastating loss.  Gods I hope I die before Taf...I won't be able to survive without him.  And I'm sorry, I know it's selfish, but I really am nothing without that man.  And I think most men are fundamentally useless, so that's saying something.  I just want to sit in a bed and rot until I feel semi-human again.  And the world won't fucking stop. Not for my mom and sure as hell not for me.  The world was never patient w...

 Today, my mother died.   We deserved so much better than this.  We deserved better than several drugs in my bloodstream,                Deserved better than 6 out of 7 cats hanging around me, worried because I won't stop crying.      I can't tell if I prefer the numbness to the crying fits, they're both equally unpleasant.  I hate crying, I hate this empty forlorn feeling I carry. I just want to walk into oblivion with her, greet the other side and see my mom restored to the shape she used to be in.      Her mind in tact, looking like I remember her...     I don't want to be alive without her.     I don't know if I'll end up dying to be with her. I feel like I'll never get better. I'll never *feel* better. About any of this. We were robbed of closure.      I could hardly get through to her by the end of the line. I wasn't making sense to her. I lov...

Learned my mother is in hospice now. She's retaining fluids and i think her kidneys are shutting down. I love my mom, I didn't get the time I needed with her my whole life and none of this is fair. But on the other hand, I know she's never gonna be 100% like she used to be, she's been struggling with MS since I was 3...and I know it's time to let her go. She's in pain every day and it's only going down hill from here.  But all I ask from the universe is the chance to see her again, coherent and able to try the stuff shells I make. I want her opinion on it, and to show her I'll be okay. I've grown up; I'm getting stronger every day with my spirit team, and they take care of me now. She can rest, she can go home; be with her dad and mom again.  I'll see her when it's my time; I know I will. And then no one will be able to come between us again. :( I'll have the time I should've had with her.  It's the wait that's crushing......

  I think I'm ascending as a witch again, it always begins with a period of intense, soul crushing darkness. But what I shed for will be worth everything endured. I'm not afraid. I'm not even a little upset.  I know I've tolerated worse. Nothing thrown at me will be more than I can handle. A break isn't failure, it's a step toward light. You crack, so you can grow.  Gods, for years I thought I was stupid, but I can't be if I at least picked up on this major fundamental. I've met so many others who never noticed it.      I had a dream about her last night, ex best friend...          We were club hopping, and for some reason all these clubs had beds, and there were so many drunk girls sleeping in them. We said it looks chill and we might come back to it after some time on the beach. I think I'm just swallowing the pill that our summers together are really over. No gay club outings in Asbury, no trips to Rehoboth.      I...

I'm just not gonna tell anyone the truth anymore. Every single person who claims they want honesty from a friend is a fat fucking liar. I've yet to meet a single person who truly appreciates honesty from anyone.  I'm just supposed to shut up and let my friends ruin their lives. Okay fine. I'm not saying this shit for my health. Your the one who's throwing your life away on a grown ass toddler.  And if he fucks up and doesn't toe the line with me, you'll be hearing about the next time he does something shitty or stupid. I can't wait for all this to end in another divorce. Because apparently you'd rather go through another legal process than just admit you rushed this shit with a dude who never seems to make any fucking progress with anything.  I never hear anything good about this schlub and you wanna MARRY him? Okay. Braindead idiot ass.  And that's on God what I wanted to fire back with when you shut me down on everything.  Have fun with the clu...

So the new house isn't working out. It's old and drafty, and we're gonna actually try to sell it.  Taf said he has a plan to pay off our house and then we can work on getting a home that's just ours. He says the plan should take 5 years from when we move in if he did the math right.  I trust him. I'm sad but I trust him. And I'm gonna be alive for at least another 2 decades so I should work towards something that's sustainable so I'm not working in my 60s. My deities confirm this is the correct path, so I have to. I can't lament over things that no longer serve me. This house is stressing me out anyway. And none of the family wants to live together anyway.  I should just let it go. This had to happen because it showed us what we need in a home. A small backyard (we hate mowing), spacious interior, 4 bedrooms, at least 2.5 bathrooms, no fucking leaks, small driveway, (I hate shoveling) and a Florida room for the cats to play in.  Once we get a new hou...

 Blaaaaaze it~  It's 4/20 I had to.  Anyway, I started my antipsychotics about 5 or 6 days ago and it's been...bliss.  My inner monologue has completely shut up <3  I still hear my deities and now they're so clear because it's  QUIET in my brain.  I don't become so devastated over any old crit anymore, and I don't get super angry during fights. I experienced a few side effects at first but most are completely gone  And I'm so fucking happy <3 I can heal and be normal <3  I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and I'm super hype to tell her! <3  Thanks for reading, friends <3 

Tw: suicide, drugs, mental health.... I feel like I need to be put on antipsychotics. After some research, I've scheduled a pysch visit. I didn't even recognize it as a problem because I'm not hearing strange voices; it's just my own. I'M insulting myself. So I thought it was regular ol' BPD shit. I also thought the wild aggression issues were BPD. It isn't normal to hear a tiny criticism and jump directly to 'oh god I suck, I'm awful and should kill myself' I was insistant that this was just build up from all the times I was made to feel like shit before but...what if it's not?   I'm not a danger to others. Myself maybe? But not others. But I *feel* dangerous? Like if I don't get help now, things could keep escalating and one day, I'll go full dahmer or some shit...I hope I'm sensible enough to take myself out if it gets that bad before someone else gets hurt. But when I get into a fury, I've never laid a hand on anyone, ...

Ughhh, I hate the holidays. Everything feels weird and surreal...I swear I'm jogging down the hall to the garage and I step through a portal that reminds time and I'm 16 year old again... ...but it's not the same. My mom isn't there, the dogs aren't there. I'm not actually a 16 year old. For a brief second, it feels like a second chance to heal my trauma. To advocate for myself like I never could before... It feels....positive.  But my childhood wasn't good. All the best parts happened while everyone slept. No expectations, no judgemet.  That's why I was tired all the time back then... It really just feels like that comfortable chaos I grew up in The one I ignored until I was 27 and realized I was actually a piece of shit with no heart it was good because I couldn't tell it was bad Consciously I know this but subconsciously, my brain is idealizing it...missing it. It's vile.  Driving past all the old businesses ans realizing I'm where I shoul...

Had a dream sitting up where I was stepping off a cliff. I looked down, and it scared me awake... I wonder what that means....

Had another weird dream last night... I was prepping for a move back to my first apartment... And at the same time, my best friend Robin--whom I've never lived with--was dealing with some psychic metamorphosis. I was in the middle of a huge move AND i had to keep my friend safe from her own mind, shit was weird. And my mother and other friend Larry was helping me mostly with this move--which is weird because she wasn't in a space to concentrate during my waking-world move... But no sign of Taf...I dont think I even knew Taf in this dream...no sign of my ACTUAL first roomie either...my other best friend. And suddenly I was walking home to my old house, through the neighborhood I haven't lived in since i was between 9 and 22...and, and it was just dark blue....foggy--snow on the ground. Thick snow. But the weird part were all these bright red lanterns were hanging on the trees--i remember it being the most haunting scene...I was completely alone...but I wasn't afraid, I j...

Hahahahaha  When you're on the verge of a split with your partner of 6 fucking years because he's an ungrateful piece of shit, your job is shouldering EVERYTHING on you--and you're about to have an Autism/BPD combo meltdown. I am going FUCKING kill myself.  Living is too hard~I wanna go back into the FUCKING abyss so fucking bad. GET ME OUT OF HERREEEE